cathartic process of giving a birth to some works

".. a process of story telling is a cathartic process.." -Benedict Cumberbatch on Stuart-A Life Backwards Interview

it is... cathartic. The headache, the body function that failed to accommodate the responsibilities of carrying on what I have in life. My job, my daily needs and responsibilities. I want to go out of all of them. Take a day off or two. Being sick of daily routines facing the same idiots. The superior who can't face the reality that his and her employees are limited in the amount and in the skills (am having fun talking about people's negative traits) that I tried so hard to add more people to my department to be trained by me, yet she always slows me down, or facing my donkey brain subordinate who always makes the same mistakes over and over made me even more stupid to tell him over and over about the same mistakes. I had enough with every student that goes into my English department is only my privilege to teach, also now I teach math (I did remember I ask only teaching English, and that I avoid math and physics which consumate my brain and erase important places that I should put English in it). I hardly ever sit in my own desk to do other 2 divisions' agenda. Insufficient salary for triple jobs. Great, I wouldn't do it if I hadn't got the scholarship and now on my way to a bigger place with more salary in the job. I'm sick of everything that's in my life right now. Well, obviously except for Dale, the gorgeous son of mine. and even Dale, I can't be with him at the moment because of the stupid creature that left us in which I refer to Dale's father.

The cathartic process is always there when I have the urge to give a birth to some works. Yesterday painting, writing, movie, and video clips are in the line of my results after having the cathartic process. I remember even giving birth to Dale wasn't this scary and draining alot of energy. Now, stack of papers of lesson plans can give me the cathartic feeling and in the same time makes me drown in never ending happiness. I have no idea how I ended as being an English teacher. Those journeys of having relationship with arts (except music-was forbidden for me as my singer mother's daughter) from painting, writing, making movies (don't bother to measure how stupid I am that I'm not that into the history of arts except for movies that the bliss of ignorance from not knowing about others' works is a way for me to make myself thrilled by nonsense and feel free to produce anything without the worrying of committing plagiarism), then architecture made me realize, What am I doing here in the world of arts if in the end I only being an English teacher which is an effective way of never study and work for the rest of my life because all I need to do is just browsing and finishing everything in English which is my way in watching movies. I actually never work anymore, nowadays. I don't need to think rapidly how to finish some writings when my editor shouted in my inboxes all the time about the deadlines, or when I have to cast some unskilled people to fit in the characters. Arrgghhh... I wish I could clon Ben and also make some female versions of him to be put as my actors and actreesses, hahah. At that time I don't need to waste weeks of searching the right person for the characters, and I don't need to play myself to play the twisted split personality character role who acts as lesbian, peacemaker, bestfriend, caring person, and a fake hero(with Linkin Park soundtrack-gosh,it was so cool) at the same time. It was that funny that all people around me forced me to finish the script and forced me to create this nonsense role of ambiguous characters in a female version that in the end I'm the one who acted it.

It was cathartic to give birth to some pages of poems or essays about my past to inspire people and then to be posted in Facebook or my blog just to clear the mind to get on with the life I have. It took days of filthy activities not paying attention to my own health and hygiene. and after that I had to take a bath like 3 times a day to get back to another me which was always ready to have sex. It is cathartic, to toss away this one page of junkthought to clear my mind and go on with my lesson plans. Finish them, Vina! finish them! aren't you the Dale-functioning sociopath?! Finish them! Take the money, and travel to your gorgeous son.    

The Origin of Vina's Junkthoughts

The Origin of Vina's Junkthoughts:a letter for Living-in-London Mom
Why can't people just think?!
(from Sherlock)

This kind of question always popped out of my head every time there were troubles in the family, my little family and in the big family (but without the 3rd generation of 25 grand children including me-might want to keep the quarrels stay till the 2nd generation. Hope so, because we have Dale as the 4th generation.I want to create better family environment for him, unlike what had happened to me, my half younger sister, and my half younger brothers. Who would thought I am the only child from the same father and mother while I have 3 younger siblings from my Mom and Dad separately. And why should I always attracted to English actors such as Brosnan, Jude Law, Hugh Grant, Stephen Moyer, and now.. Ben. and Why Should Mom lives in London-my biologist mother in which I stayed in her womb only 9 months. She gave a birth to me and then gave me up 2 months later and then showed up 29 years in advance just to ask for inheritance. Then when she couldn't get it she just flew away back to London. Can I say Dale has the same fate?! My mom left me, and Dale's father left him. Don't worry, my son, you're not alone, your mom has the same experience and I will always be there for all questions that you want to ask about how cruel people can be. Even though the person is your own biologist parent. If mom doesn't live in London, maybe I'll find my way to London that I always like anything about England since I was a child, especially London. This reminds me when I gave an English Placement test for a student. I was the examiner and when she was asked about particular city in the world that she chose if she has the opportunity to study abroad, she picked London. She transferred from regular English to Cambridge English course. She couldn't give the reason, and I understand exactly, why. I myself don't know why I love London, maybe it's the same like I was born in Jakarta and that I love that city that much though she's cruel enough to make me living in another city, Bandung, for 15 years. Yet every weekend I always go to Jakarta to visit my grandfather. Or I just missed my cruel city. Or maybe when I always create fictional characters in my writings that end up in New York, trapped in luxury studio apartment in Manhattan. I can fool a foreigner in  Kansas when we were playing Castle Age

about the whole group of guild who live in Brooklyn, Salonika, and Indonesia were all actually made up by me. I had to create my particular ex that always clings on me until the beginning of this year, to live and to die. I felt the need of killing him. and this poor foreigner felt sorry and so sad when my ex's character had to die in a bike accident in Salonika. The pictures are real, can't believe he actually thought my ex came from China with his tall slender but muscular perfect proportion-look.

He might felt loss, but my ex and I hurt deeper for 8 years we couldn't be together. That Allah gave a way for us to meet not coincidentally - there's no such thing as coincidence, Star Trek Into Darkness-

 in 1993 that we didn't know each other yet, and then later He made us to meet again in 2006 to fall in love and then it had to be over because he already married at that time. I can never accept married man. It's like I'm bitching my father's third wife for taking my father away and then I became her. It's absolutely not in my agenda.  Now I know why I can sit for hours watching White Collar. Too many about me in the parentheses, hahah) as well.

Those times, when I had to struggle for my step mom who raised me since I was 4 (I can't believe I'm so aware of who my father was-it feels like yesterday when my aunt from my biologist mother came to my kindergarten school and showed my father picture with her. How young I was and aware that my father is a womanizer. Is it that cruel to let a girl that young knew the true color of her own Dad? This auntie not even put on a masked-Give a man a mask and he will tell you the truth-Oscar Wilde.

Or is it my benefit of being aware in a very young age that made me can get through all of these? Others will say I have my own miseries. I always say... I have my own adventures. and the family is my battlefield. Never like politics and manipulation, but in the end I have to manipulate people. -

...I have the brain of the Devil's hand. 
Everyone is attached to my Demon's Plans. 
It's like conducting the orchestra, 
I placed them in my own drama. 
Suck them dried and take the whole advantages,
for the sake of making better places
I’m the devil’s advocate of any brainstorming
I’m the sarcastic of any warm greeting
my protective shield is thick
no one could have me as a pick
but sometimes I do feel alone
in the conspiracy of my own...

from Vina's Junkthoughts : Kisah Seorang Pelacur Kehidupan, chapter 2, page 22-23.
PANDORA BOX 1703'99 by Vina

yeah I understand who Khan is in Star Trek Into Darkness, I got myself the real one, which is me)and my half younger sister when father left.

"Mozart could go to sleep and wake up with the whole symphony and no idea how they got there"-Hawking

by they way, I'm 33, was born in 1981, some like it hot....

(finally I talked about this wonderful work of Ben, it's like there's a load in my chest that I can't unload. I want to watch again but I couldn't. It's more than just touching, all great and positive adjectives can't describe his work here. It's more than those, beyond those great credits and praises. It's like I wanted to cry for the whole session of the movie but I couldn't. Ben pictured Hawking so brave, with great eagerness, without hesitation about his illness, without sighing, always smiling-I agree,I always smile though people think I'm so pathetic or when they feel sad about me. This is just a life that all miseries will eventually turn into happiness. I just need to enjoy every single moment of my life. All the good and bad things in it. I couldn't bear myself to watch it more, but I had to finish it. It's a work that's really inspiring people to work what they want to achieve till the last breath or the last drop of their blood. Now I remember how Dale's father is so so far from being eager. I was the one who arrange some works for him. And yet he chose to give me empty promises, left me and his own son. Stupid creature, there are actually so many that he can do as multi-talented person. Shame on him for wasting all the gifts that he has

*from Sherlock). If Ben said that Hawking is one of his great work, I agree. Hawking is one of his works that touched me so deeply that me-the unsociable autistic person who can't communicate well-can talk hours about Hawking in a very enthusiastic way.

And yes, I got up at 5 am with Ben's voice as the alarm (a friend in loneliness). and yes, I have the whole idea of this writing in my head, like I always get the idea on how to solve my family's problems or how to face those grown ups people who didn't act like grown ups, or how to manipulate my father on how to successfully helping my step mom and my half younger sister. I hate myself at that time that I have to be someone else so cruel, slick, and evil just to make better place for my beloved step mom and half younger sister. Too bad they had to toss it away. Well, since they got what they want and that they don't need me anymore, I think it's worth when I had to release them and let their reputation torn apart without any little effort from me. But seriously, years of dedicating myself for them, leaving my architecture degree to work and to help them, and then after 6 years, mom only said I was useless just because I overslept because I was sick and couldn't get at the travel station on time. How could she said I should just die. and the silly me drank 2 bottles of Vodka along with 2 bottles of cough medicine at once(silly me didn't know that time that Vodka is actually reversing the poisonous effect of overdose from too much cough medicine). I still remember how I fainted. The sound of surroundings which slowly disappearing (like the sound of Bing Bang's left over-Hawking, It's funny how some people think the universe is steady. The thought of universe has a beginning and someday it'll end is already in my primary school's mind in my beloved moslem religion that everything has a beginning and eventually will end. Only Allah who has no end, has no beginning, and has no shape because He's more than the universe itself. Good moslems, are those people who think. If Sherlock says Why Can't People Just Think?! I say... it's normal for us, moslems), the heart beat that went slowly weaker. and then he came to save me. If  my ex wasn't there to help me, I believe that first effort of ending my life would be successful. But then again, look at me now, I've survived from 3 attempts of suicide, I have a son that I have to live, and carry on. Because I'm his only hope, his only parent that will be there at times no person will support him. I will be the only one left for him to continue living. I believe he has the purpose coming to this world that he had struggle so hard  to live since he was as big as 0,69 cm tall. and that I almost lost him when his heart was excited more than it had to be when I gave birth to him. The way Mozart thought, it is normal that it also happens to me in writings. How I can write more than 600 pages(recorded in blogs, facebook, 2 junkthought books-not to mention the pages unrecorded in any kind of writings including free verse, short novels, poems, photo interpretation, music lyric and many else)with ideas that I get every time I wake up. or at times I get the ideas of the whole English course programs or the marketing ideas. It's normal.

Now, Why can't  people just think?!
Let's not talk about the past that happened when I hate the times my half younger sister couldn't think that the action she did was actually hurting her mom, or that why couldn't she think that she shouldn't make quarrel with her mom in front of her father that her father would be angry and in the end would shout at her mom. Her mom was hurt and she called me, then I said why could she not think. Why could my father not think when the trouble maker was actually his own third wife who proudly thought she could raise Dale and thought I wasn't a good mother (parenting is a matter of trial and error-as long as parent thinks of anything best for her child and because she's loving her son, there's no such thing as bad mother). That this wife of my father's was giving me promises that she couldn't keep. That in the end she couldn't handle Dale by herself because she was exhausted. It's actually a reason that I can accept instead of her telling me that this was all my fault and that in the end she did "Divide Et Impera" for my big family including my grandfather. I swear if she weren't my father's wife, I would have killed her for giving me empty promises and then betrayed me with all her doings making trouble in the family. It's like having Dale's father again on my side which I deeply loathe it. No wonder they were born under the same star sign with only 2 days difference. and still there are so many things that made me think... Why Can't People just think?! Recently, my colleague in the office that my boss called him as my subordinate. A male of under dog which always doing anything in slow motion. I know I'm slow, but this creature is even slower. I always thought... Why can't people just think?! This slow subordinate, why can't you just think that you can look at the time, that there's schedule on the board, why should I am the one who always tells you about the things you have to do, why can't you just think about... arrgghhh there are so many... and why can't people just think of how my operational manager along with my boss couldn't differentiate between normal and autistic kid?! Why Can't people just think? Why can't people observe! It's obvious, moron! We can look at the way this kid interacts with people. It's in the way he answers for questions. How can you both my superior couldn't see?! They said, it was undetected. I said, it's because you simply didn't observe, moron. A quiet person is the best observer-from Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

I can't say that they're stupid because they are my superiors. Like Sherlock always says: Don't worry, practically everyone is.... stupid.

and because I'm thinking, it's actually why vina's junkthoughts are there. I'm not a high functioning sociopath like Sherlock who uses his brain to solve crimes and save people. But I think my brainwave is too active for only being a teacher (thanks to my 80 students from 6 different classes that I'm no longer creature of the night who live from coffee and cigarettes with midnight online games along with the Bulgarians that I have to deal with 5 hours difference. The efforts to teach all of you until 8 pm each night makes me sleep well after 4 hours watching Ben's movies) and that I have too many to think as reflections of my traumas and how I made my way to survive from those cruel things. Writing has always been a cure for me. so when Dr.Watson was told to write, I agree, writing is a cure for PTSD. It's the origin of vina's junkthoughts. Next, maybe I'll try violin. Sherlock reminds me of my one activity that I haven't got the chance to start it. Painting, writing, and acting now English are my worlds, but music is always one thing that I love the most. I always wants to play violin, small and handy to carry. Thanks, Sherlock. Now that I stand on my own feet, I can do things that I want (I remember I don't ask or go out much to waste money except for good food to help me working-again, for my family). I just haven't got the chance to touch music (wasting my talent when I suddenly play the tune of Sailor Moon or any other music on my Pianika without looking at the musical notes when I was in primary school). That my big family always separates me from music just because my living-in-London Mom was a singer and I believe she still one in the church. They said, they don't want me to end up like her. Well, I ended up like her anyway. Loving London, being teacher, accidentally had to get through horrible things. No wonder we look exactly alike. Well, if you see her walking around in London, an Asian middle aged woman with black hair and eyes, dark complexion skin walking with original Caribbean man with 2 boys who look like Tiger Wood or Barack Obama, say hi for her, from her only daughter, Vina. Tell her, she has a cute gorgeous perfect lovable grandson, Dalelucky Nugroho.        

I Want to Feel

a never ending hurt, maybe this is the price I have to pay, for I've never felt being hurt though those men are such jerks for me.God wants me to realize how they've done me wrong. I have to feel. I want to feel.
It took a night of watching Parade's End just to feel how this hatred is still there in the small darkness side of my heart. It's like the anger that never goes out of my system no matter how many times I've tried so many ways to let it go. I hate and loathe every human being who seek for diseases, stupid diseases which weren't there before. In Bahasa we uses to call it "Penyakit Dicari Sendiri". I know so well that I'm slow, and this man.. or this boy is even slower. I'm a trouble maker, and this boy is a disaster. Again, I was okay on my own, till he showed up with thousands promises that more like forcing me to accept them. Then he just gone leaving me with all his responsibilities that in the end I'm the one who covered them for the rest of my life. If I could, I would kill him over and over. When he came back to life and I'm going to kill him again until my anger is gone. It took me watching Parade's End just to unload the hurt that stored fully in my chest. I never feel, so I need to see fake action of being sad and then crying just to unload the load inside my chest. Again, in the end just to make me stronger and go on with my life. For the sake of Dale. I have to carry on, I'm his only hope, and his only parent who dedicate all of my time in the end just for him at the moment. I want to feel, just to be strong. 

I Read People

Not a mystery to solve, obviously I'm an open book. But you all are books for me to read and write the endings.

Some of the people from my past thought that I was a mystery for them to solve. But actually I'm not. I'm actually like an open book that if some people clever enough would know what I am. One thing that I know so well is that I read people. Because I'm always in silent, it's actually a condition for me in which I'm easy to observe people. Like I always say, we can learn and think more in silent rather than when we are talking. This is my gifted character. I can read people from one look, it's all there on the surface. I just need to put them on folders in my mind and see in the future whether my deduction of certain people is right or not. Yes, I use my senses.... developed senses. Aren't we all?! This is actually a trait for me as well to control people (woops). Too much watching Sherlock?! I couldn't be happy more that Sir Arthur created a fiction that mostly described me in personal. It thrills me that I'm not alone thinking I'm a freak, like Mom always says that I'm unsociable,

a freak, an autistic person in which I can't communicate well or that I don't feel like ordinary human being. She used to call me "Manusia tanpa perasaan". and I laugh a lot every time I watch Sherlock so thrilled with his own world while Dr.Watson always shouted at him about his "Timing". Again, it thrills me that I can see another human being (a fiction created by Sir Arthur, it's a thought in a person's mind, so it's real enough for me) can act like I always do. Though I pushed myself so hard always to feel, always being aware about the surroundings, always giving affection, being friendly. I'm sorry but all are just tools on how to live this life. I use all those tools just to survive. In truth, like the fiction always says: everything is just transport, what matter is only my work. All lies end, hearts will be broken. In my case  now, Dale is my only everything. I guess Allah gave me a reason to live, then Dale it is.

He saves lives and a fiction.
I build characters, basic people's knowledge, develop frameworks for child's survivors, and I'm real.
Close enough to be the high-functioning sociopath, don't you think?!

The matter of a disguise is always ends with self portrait.
No matter how far how hard, or even how complicated to create fake life and fake personality, in the end, we always show the truth of who we really are. So what I read in people at the first sight, in the end they will reveal themselves as I see them for the first time. 33 years old, and not one from any of them surprised me of whom they really are in the end, including the bad side of Dale's father that I always see the moment I laid my eyes on him. I forced myself to be blind at that time like I gave him 2nd chance because of his efforts that time to convince me that he had good intention. Though it turned out to be just lies and broken promises. What I can't accept is that.. I was okay on my own, my life, my responsibilities in works, teaching, double studies. Then he came promised me anything. I thought I'd be an ungrateful person if I refused because nowadays.. a man chases a woman to get marry is very rare, don't you think?! Well, then again, look at the bright side. I got my gorgeous and lovable Dale. Like Sherlock I am, a positive, a high functioning sociopath.

a blast from the past. My brain is my HD. I delete everything that doesn't relate with my work. Consider I'm married to my work.
Like one of my friends always says: Vina never thinks of anything that doesn't relate with all of her doings, including English, movies, and games or even personality development and how to manipulate people. She never bothered to feel have to know about the current issues or what's in the gossip at the architecture department. She would stay in touch with one of the noisiest and most annoying person in the society just to get to know about the latest gossip. But you can't ever imagine how Vina seems to always get close to each of the people in the society, secretly. How she helped them to overcome their problem. They knew that Vina is always reliable and a right place to save their secrets.
Ok, now I knew what he meant at that time.

There's no such thing as hero, and if there are, I'm not one of them.
Like my half sister always said that I always wanted to be hero that it's actually her mom that always said that I was her hero. You got it wrong, sister. There's no such thing as hero, and if there are, I'm not one of them. I'm just a human, a high functioning sociopath who makes her own kind of world, manipulates people, creates her own world full of good deeds for the sake of creating better places for the ones she loved. You were there with your mom in that kind of world that I've created for you, but you tossed it away and betrayed me. I only need to be stood still and let them judged how evil the both of you. It's like karma does you both right and I got lucky as Allah gave me the privilege to see how karma does you both right. I didn't need to do any effort at that time to destroy both of your reputations. This is who I am, this is how I read people, and manipulate. Be good, then I'll create good world for you. You do me bad, then I just sit still and see how your world torn apart. Yes, it's what I do.

tall, slender but muscular

Cumberbatchakep

I never understand in my choices of men. Why are they always like... so high to reach. but most of them are tall, slender but muscular, has excellent characters, fond of dangerous sports or more like bad boys. Some of them are someone's (I can say someone's, not that I'm the one who started it, but them. Like it's always said: "a man has the right to start to love, but not to end it", so it's easy for me to end it when they stopped to have interest in me. It's always easy to live when you're being loved. I just can't be the fool who chases someone who doesn't take any interest in me), or lives in the other side of the world. The thing is, I always attracted to certain kind of things, the dangerous, am more like ...adventurous (like one of my exs said). Now I know why I always like the detective stories (ok, I sound like "the woman" -.-' ), the wise and old sexy of each vampire stories, and the lives or what's going on inside serial killer's head with high consciousness code like Dexter.
Here are some descriptions of the perfect man :

Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch was born and raised in London, England, UK. His parents, Timothy Carlton and Wanda Ventham, are both actors. He attended Brambletye School and Harrow School. Whilst at Harrow, he had an arts scholarship and painted large oil canvases. It's also where he began acting. After he finished school, he took a year off to teach English in a Tibetan monastery. On his return, he studied drama at Manchester University. He continued his training with a one-year course at the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art. By the time he had completed his studies, he already had an agent.....

Fond of extreme sports like skydiving, hot-air ballooning, scuba diving, skiing and high-speed motorcycling....

for further reading...

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1212722/bio?ref_=nmmi_bio_sm

and some delicious stills

a friend in loneliness

well, I've never been the man of many words,
and there's nothing I could say that you haven't heard,
but I'll sing you love songs till the day I die..
the way I'm feeling, I can't keep it inside,
I sing a sweet serenade whenever you feeling sad,
and a lullaby each night before you go to bed,
I'll sing that you.... are the love of my life,
the way I'm feeling, I can't keep it inside.

a verse from one of Ben's movies and guess what?!... he sang it! Now I've known why I suddenly become Ben's fan for the last couple days. Allah always has a way for me to make me feel accompanied, to make me feel I must go on in this life though with loneliness, then again I'm the Dale-functioning sociopath, aren't I?! so then I recorded his voice and put it as my company. Pathetic?! well, it's always better than being schizo like Dale's father has. The verse... is a friend in loneliness

next ----> Dale-functioning sociopath : A reason to live

Dale-Functioning Sociopath:a Reason to Live

high functioning sociopath...,

I was wondering when the term came out from Benedict's lips. The shape of the lips that made me missing. Missing someone or else, or maybe I just miss my cute baby boy, Dalelucky. When I opened my Facebook account, there he was, said "I miss you, I love you since day 1", the unreachable lover that I've known for 4 years. He's on the other side of the world like 5 hours different far away, like 4 days of trip from my place to his. Svetoslav Arnaudov, the reason why I feel missing when I watch Cumberbatch. It's impossible if I long for someone that I've never known before like Cumberbatch. How I miss the clear of his transparent eyes. It turned out to be, I've missed Arny's clear green eyes.

I browsed through Arny's files and I've found how he has high cheek bones like Cumberbatch has. Then I made his face as my wallpaper background. Those eyes, lonely that long for something. Sad lonely eyes yet he has the perfection in his life unless the area of relationship, just like Arny, and just like me. Not, to mention, they both born in the same year.

There's always a reason why I accidentally stick to certain movie. How I've seen the loneliness, the unwanted child, the miseries, and else. Who would think that those slanted eyes-guys who are really fond of me would finally came in the form of Dale's father that finally disgusted me. In the end is just a clue for me, of how I have to understand my life. I've never been good in socializing with people, I always have my own world, whether it's in the games or in movies and series. I always look for free entertainment to watch or play. I never get home to miss someone's arms... strong muscle white arms with blue veins underneath (ever, had enough like thousands times, missing but just a little bit), coz it's always easy for me to find some, with no strings attached. Like Bond always says:"Single! Sorry, you're not my type" (I believe there's no coincidence why Cumberbatch will play the next Bond). It's not that I like to mess with someone's but they keep calling me. Having Dalelucky is the sign that I have to stop to do further. Take it, but use the brain, always. I never regret that the last time I didn't use my brain, that gorgeous creature came out of my womb. Cute, handsome, gorgeous, and lovable. Just hope he has great life, perfect for his health, his body's function, his brain, and everything. I hope for Dalelucky all the best things in the world. There's always reason why he lives and tries so hard to live since he was as big as 0,69cm tall until now.

since I've finally known that I'm a low level functioning sociopath,  after I've watched how Cumberbatch always firms the term. Yeah, now I am, I never think of anyone's feelings. I have my own world. My own world of making the better place, for my own purpose of the peace in my heart. My own purpose of having many good deeds as my savings in the after life. My own world of creating the best places for the ones I love. Those credibility, integrity, affection for my students, in the end is just for my afterlife savings and money of course. I can take both without having to do much effort, not as hard as being an architect. Get back from the death-alcoholic, tumor surgery-cigarettes, c-section surgery-giving birth are the efforts of ending my life. No, I have to live now that then I have my reason to live... is just Dalelucky, then I can say... I am a Dale-functioning sociopath.

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