for the sake of humanity : a true story

there was a stupid woman who's naive enough acted for her lover
the man was dying and he said : 'don't let me die'
so the woman took care of him not becoz she loved him, she wasn't loving him that much. she thought :'for the sake of humanity' that she has very pure heart.
three years later the man healed, living normal life, even get fat
alas, he cheated on her, the woman was working so hard, meanwhile the man,was playing with another woman behind her back.
the woman got hurted, so they broke up.
three months later, the man asked her to come back in one condition : if the woman accept him, then he would dumped the girl he cheated with.
my my.. the woman was very mad. her sacrifices and all she did for his good, is just like some ashes for him.
so she said :'I will never marry you even u're the last man walking on earth'

five years later, the woman met a man, who said 'I love you' to her everyday. she just smile coz she really knew her feelings. the man said : 'don't let me die'
she just smile and walked away. she doesn't care if the man dies, she had no responsibility for the man, even if she loved him, that's something that a man shouldn't say to get sympathy.

so this time the woman said 'for the sake of humanity' I've failed myself 5 years ago, by helping the wrong people. this time I help the one I know right, myself.

u can never know how people will change and don't depend yourself on someone else coz u might failed him or her, and she would think that the world have failed her or him, it doesn't give the reason why, but when this kind of things happen to one's life over and over, the one will turn into someone selfish. and if this happened to all people around the world, u can imagine how this world would be.

'the world may have failed u, it doesn't give the reason why...'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmboX6ncqjM

opening

It begun where the life ship already wrecked. Such imaginative questions came from the mouth of a strong character adult.

'My dear daughter, what if.. your real mother was a singer, would you forget about me ? would you leave me and not beside me anymore ? ',
'Will you back to your ancestor's religion if what they had is not the same with what you had now ?'

such ridiculous questions...

'You've been there for me, being my mother all the time. Love and caring me, sacrifice all for me, be in this wrecked life that left by your husband (at that time I couldn't call that man, my father). we can hold the three of us till today, you, lil sist and I. I'm not human if I leave you after all those.'

Call me naive, but these things don't happen in real life right ?! unsettled divorced or missing father are enough to be a story of life. And that's momy always prepared me all these years. Yes, life is not as beautiful as it seems. And that's my armor of life. She could killed me many times a day just to get me understood about her points. And yet these exercises making me a monster of mastermind.

'About the faith, believe me, I studied all, the other just can't accept by my brain. If you poisoning me with your faith all this time, then you are really succeeded. I can't turn to other just becoz my ancestors told me to do. I am what I am now, and no money nor wealthy can buy that'

Never crossed in my mind that those answers would actually happened and be strengthened with all of my actions after I found out the truth, step by step till 10 years after. Yet, I can't forgive myself for what happen to her and lil sist, becoz of my father, becoz of my existence. And these thoughts that haunted for years, actually happened. Yes, no more hero, no more mastermind.

I have no idea that the reality kept getting worse and worse. It changed me alot till I don't know who I am anymore. Introvert as I used to, crying over words and sentences on papers without any tears. Multi problems and multi tasks to solved. Yet I solved them all, was a father for my little family. When it was just we all three. No big family, and it's all just about money, when everything felt simple to solved.

I don't have my own feeling,
I borrow people's feeling to feel...

I have no emotion, just fight and fight everyday. Till she called me human without feelings. No use, huh. Crying, regretting and falling apart. So tell me about myself how I must feel about my life, then I would cry over it, not becoz I feel it, becoz I feel other's sympathy on me.

I’ve killed my sense each time you talked about great peoples around us, mom…
for I’ve killed my hopes and dreams which are gettin for to reach…
cause there’s a time when I choose myself to be a guardian angel in a human form..
for I couldn’t develop an ego of my own…
for I couldn’t left my mom alone…
the wrinkles may appear… the back may gettin lower…
but I’ll always keep my heart young, strong and wise for you mom…
let her freely high flying, your daughter the only one, for times she’s been suffering …
then let me be the woman without age for I’ll always be there for you mom…
till death do us apart…

and these... actually happened, two years later...

looking back the worn out path

If you are full of grief, resist !
If you are full of regret, walk on !
You ! who merely throw yourself into sorrows, are just filthy pigs !
Throwing away his future,
Losing sight of his dreams,
all while stained in despair...

Shake off his future,
opposing reality,
never loses his determination.

- Kuroshitsuji II, english translation by SubDesu -

if you can't be a poet of your life anymore, try to find any in every sign,
yet I was never opposed my reality,
that's why it was so fluid, simple, kind and fearless...(Byron Katie)

when the past forced to erase, you'll be like loosing your true selves,
but when your belief is failed, then you are close to the dead.


then who am I, now ?

Hold on to the feeling : a letter to a mother and sister

You never asked to be born from her womb, never asked to be feed, never asked her to sacrifice herself for you.
yeah, you never asked.

but now, it's time for you to help her. You can't bear the feeling that she's a burden of yours, but you keep helping her. why ?! coz there's no one else to help her.

Hold on to the feeling, it's the same feeling as she had when she had you. If it wasn't her, then who else ?! above all, it's her only duty, her only nature to give up everything just to make you alive, freely breathing and having all a daughter should have. And for that, she can never asked something in return, nor you can't ever paid her.

Now hold on to that feeling, the feeling if it wasn't you, then who else ?! and grow the feeling that you should take care of her for the rest of her life, coz every minutes of her sacrifices could never be paid by your wealthy nor kindness. At least make her happy even in a second, for age we will never know when it ends.

Hold on to the feeling, then it won't be a burden anymore. As simple as it can be. So never ask for something in return, even a thank, coz the price already paid long time since you were in her womb.