We all do. The £ 20 we've knocked off the price when our partners have asked us how much it will cost something. Our Lunch with former and 'forgot' again. Or we pour yourself a large drink every night after work, eliminating the semi-conscious to tell the rest of our health. They all act normal and generally harmless, part of the business that is not perfect everyday people and in a relationship.
But there are also times when a little white lie can be less benign. "We are all individuals, and there are many things that your spouse will not benefit from knowing about," says couples therapist Andrew G Marshall, author of How Can I Ever Trust You Again?. "But at times the information that we are cutting
crossed the line of acceptance and began to threaten the relationship. "
This habit, not dangerous in themselves, may increase from time to time. It's not cheating in the traditional sense of the word, but constantly lying to your partner can cause problems. 'Quiet can be corrosive affair - it depends on how long for them to explode, "says Karen Pine, professor of developmental psychology at the University of Hertfordshire and co-author of Sheconomics." At first glance, this behavior does not appear to be as extreme as sexual infidelity , but the fall-out from it can be equally damaging. "
Here are some of the 'affair quiet' most common that can crawl on any relationship, and they can all pose a serious threat.
Covert smoking or drinking
It's not unusual to smoke or drink without your partner present or knowing about it, but if it becomes persistent and secretive habits, it's time to take stock. "When you decide to avoid a shopping trip with your partner so you can have a crafty cigarette at home, or you stay up later to drink again, you signal the core values that differ from your partner," says psychotherapist Paula Hall of Relate. "You showed that you value time spent with yourself or your friends more than that in the relationship." There is a danger, too, that people who are involved in the secret habits begin to identify their partner as a control mechanism. If they acknowledge their behavior, then they lose their incentive to quit.
"Both partners need to be open with each other to break this cycle," said Hall. "And, assuming that it is not a dependency, one partner must allow others some autonomy - even if they disagree with their behavior. If the relationship can develop a dynamic parent / child, with potentially corrosive materials such as confidentiality of anything."
See ex-
Spending time with new friends or maintaining a platonic relationship with the former is not unusual, but keep your spouse in the dark about these meetings is a sign that all was not right. If you lie to cover your tracks, you show a lack of respect for your partner, and there is also the possibility that innocent liaison could rise to something more. 'The affair was built in secret, and secret rendezvous with someone of the opposite sex can cause one or both parties to develop feelings for each other, "Marshall said.
"If you avoid the truth, then you avoid having an important conversation you have with your partner. You might start trying to maintain the status quo of your relationship, but, finally, if you continue to mislead them, you either entertain the idea of starting a new relationship or your partner control so that you can not share information with them.
"Acid test of any friendship is that they should be held up to public scrutiny. If you're going out with your ex, your partner should have the opportunity to say, and" Oh, can I come too? "For it is not a problem. You must upfront with your partner and wish to compromise on the relationship "a secret". If you ask for something reasonable - maybe lunch every six months instead of weekly meetings - and talk openly about how they would feel about it, then it is much more likely to mate You will be more accepting '.
Secret shopping
"Many people use money to regulate their emotions, and to anaesthetise themselves against negative feelings," said Pine. "But it can destroy a relationship when a life-changing event like a new baby or a job loss or financial disclose gambling debts" adultery "."
It is important that your financial transparency, says Pine, especially if both your futures are bound in a joint account. "Be open and try to uncover a different mindset you money," he said. "If you will face your partner, you should be as neutral and non-judgmental as possible. They may feel quite embarrassed about their situation, so try to be supportive rather than critical."
But how gamblers, struggling under a mountain of debt, is open to couples? "First, you can get advice from a government-funded helpline credit support or financial therapist, 'showing Pine." The important thing is to start the process of disclosure. Problems are much easier to express if you already have a solution in place. "
When one of you move forward without the other
When one couple began to develop emotionally away from a relationship - perhaps through a promotion at work or by entering into therapy - this can bring about change, breach of contract relationships. "The couple lived with a shared understanding of what is possible and what is not," said Avi Shmueli psychotherapist from the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships. "But then one partner may find themselves outside of their growing relationship."
The partners who have 'abandoned' can experience disappointment - even if, initially, they are encouraging. "They may feel great pressure to maintain or, as an increase in tension, they will begin to feel the limitations of the relationship," said Shmueli. 'Good relations could then break down or arrive at a dead end. "
In this case, the couple should strive for what Shmueli term 'attitude of discovery'. 'The "less successful" couples need to think about why their loved ones have found such pleasure in their new situation, "he said." It's important not to judge, and be afraid to explore why you feel that may not be so difficult. "
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