Saturday, June 20, 2015

Mom’s Life Story For Her Idol

Mom wrote her life story to her idol, Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch. She needed to do things to keep her going on surviving for the sake of me. So this was her life story that she wrote….

Once upon a time there was a 4 years old girl in Kindergarten who almost got kidnapped. At that time she called her biologist father as big brother, and her step mom as her big sister. She didn't know that they both were supposed to be her parents. One day at her kindergarten school time, a woman came and asked to meet her. She brought some candies and a picture of her father with another woman that wasn't her big sister. She didn't recognize the woman in the picture. This woman said that it was her father took photograph with her sister. What did the little girl think at that time?
Oh My God, my father is a womanizer.
Isn't that cruel to let a 4 year-old little girl to think such negative thought?! At that time the little girl started to think not to trust anyone including her big brother and her big sister.
By the time she got into primary school, her teacher asked how she called her parents. The teacher was shocked because she called her parents with the name of big brother and big sister. The teacher said that the girl should call her parents by the name of her parents such as "Ibu" an Indonesian for Mom and "Bapak" as Indonesian for Dad. So the girl ran home after school called her step mother: Ibu. The woman was very happy and loved her even more.
At the same year when she was 6 years old and had a younger baby sister, the little girl got a fight with one of her best friends because her best friend's mother apparently had a crush on her father.
"He's my father and he has a wife, my mother! Control your own mother, hey my ex best friend!", she shouted with anger not because her best friend's mother flirted with her father, but because her father was a womanizer.
3 Years later when she was at 4th grade of primary school. Her vice principal said that she had a guess. But right after she saw the stranger, she cried and the vice principal didn't allow the meeting.
She thought... I'm saved from being kidnapped.
Her parents and her big family rushed to her school and began to whisper behind her back.
"You should tell her.. tell her..., she needs to know..."
But her step mom insisted that this little girl hadn't ready to accept the reality, that she's not her own daughter.
Years gone by, 2 years later when she was at 6th grade, the principal called her that she had a guess, said that she was her grandfather's secretary. As soon as she met the woman, she said:
"You're not my grandfather's secretary. I know who my grandfather's secretary is. I always stay there at his office before my parents pick me up",
The girl diplomatically replied, and the principal asked her to go back to class and asked the woman to leave.
In such young age, she learnt how to be diplomatic, and the family matters were her battlefield.
As the step mom knew this was the 3rd time of attempted kidnapping, she prayed a lot that the kidnapper - the little girl's own biologist mother - to have a good life away from the little girl. At 1995 the little girl's biologist mother moved to London and got married with the local Caribbean-London citizen, and had 2 sons.
The girl found an evidence, again that her father was a womanizer. She shouted a lot at her step mom why she was so stupid letting all the lies happened in the family. The woman just stayed in silent by her naive attitudes or just because she didn't care anymore that she lived only for her two daughters. Fight till the end.
Years gone by as the girl got into high school, once again her father allowed her biologist mother to see the girl. And not even a second the girl felt strong emotion with her biologist mother because she was a stranger for the girl. So the poor woman flew back to London and tried to forget her.
As she got into college, she moved to another city, to get cheaper accommodation for college. It was like a horse just got out from her cage. She was furious because all of her love in arts was always forbidden. No painting, no music, architecture ok. But it wasn't enough, writings always there when she was in primary school. There were some friends who could see her potential talent, so she was asked to write a story based on someone's true story. She made a novel, and after that the friends asked her to write a movie script. When she finished, they asked her to direct, and then casting, and then art directing, make up artist, and eventually also playing the twisted split personality female who is a lesbian, caring friend, peace maker,  and a hero at the same time. Up until she finally involved in the movie editing. Those efforts paid so much of her credibility as good girl. She didn't come home just to finish the movie.
Her step mom finally asked her father to look for her, and by the time they both found her, she already finished the movie. Though her step mom really angry of her, she actually proud how this girl who was always in the cage, can survive in the outside world and became the leader in her small society. Her step mom and half younger sister finally moved to the same city to live with her. But not for her father that secretly married to another woman in their previous city.
The step mom couldn't take it anymore that she was hurt by her husband. So she told the 21 years old girl
(girl- she's not a woman that she refers to "a woman without age" because she wanted to keep her soul young and brave to support her step mom and her half younger sister)
That she wasn't her real daughter. The girl cried. Step mom said:
"Why are you crying? I'm sorry if you hate me..",
The girl replied: " I'm crying not because I hate you, I loathe because I'm not your daughter, and not a drop of your blood is in my vein. A strong woman that I always proud of. Not because my biologist mother left me. How old was she when she left me?"
The old woman replied:" She was 20"
The girl replied:"No wonder, she was so young. Maybe I'd do the same. I forgive her"
So the girl was asked to leave her architectural study to look for her father, that she found in another city without telling her grandfather. That the secret she kept with her for 18 years that her father was cheating on her step mom. Her father came back home for only 3 months and then he flew again back to his mistress. The girl was ready like she always had, being diplomatic. She managed to use any of the members of the family to help her step mom and half younger sister to survive. Though, the big family thought that she was evil and that she manipulated people including her own father's savagery to create better place for her step mom and half younger sister.
She also worked like a horse, 14 hours a day also almost being raped when she had to present a product at a hotel. Again, she was being diplomatic,
"Sir, if you're looking for a hooker, you should tell me at the beginning. I can look for one...", she replied and then she got herself out from the room.
At her 29 years old, she finally met her Living-In-London Mom through Facebook. Her stupid cousin from her mom, misspelled her name while browsing with Vina Ariestarini that it should be Vina Ariestharini - such a d***. So the mom and daughter who separated for 29 years old (I bet she almost break the record of the longest separated family members) united again. She thanked God that she can speak English well and that her mom who lived in London since 1995 couldn't speak Bahasa aside from English and Javanese. She can't speak Javanese. So ironically the Javanese Mother-Daughter spoke English on the phone for their 1st reunion. A few months later her mom, the husband and her 2 half younger brothers visited her. Two weeks in Indonesia, they only visited the 29 years old woman for a day. How charming is that. The woman had to meet her own mother 
- which was a stranger for her.
She didn't mad and she accepted them with open arms that she was happy - well, so so. Since she used to be alone. Though few months later she found out that her mother only after the inheritance that maybe she thought she can get from her grandfather (ex-general-pilot) of her father. What was the connection?! The woman asked from all of her friends from around the world. America, London, Bulgaria, none of them understand the culture that this family of her mom forced her to do. That she had to hold a meeting between her 2 half younger brothers with the family from her father. Eventually she knew that her mother only after the inheritance because she found out that her mother and the husband sold most of the furniture at her grandmother's (from her mother) house. Her auntie at that time gave her mother court order for her mother and her family not to come back to Indonesia because of her mother and her husband's actions mistreat her grandmother. That was the story why she can't see her mother in London.  
Well, me too.
And also about two years ago, when she had just recovered from lumpectomy. The two bandages were still there on her left breast. She had to fight against 8 big men who took her mobile phone in public transportation at 8 pm when she went home from teaching. She was furious, shouted, and was angry that she kicked the man that stood at the door just to get out. And after that she stepped on the man who fell off from the public transportation while shouting furiously. She was so angry and her reflect wasn't a good one because she thought that ... Damn I just had a surgery and these men hijacked me... arggghhh
yeah, Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch. I know how you felt :)
And about strangers, I feel very lucky that Allah always protects me from those strangers. so, Mr. Benedict, just keep on your faith that God will always take care of you. Don't be scared to strangers, just be careful. I hope you're always saved.  
I skipped some parts that don't relate with strangers. and yeah it took me one hyperventilation syndrome attack to make me realize I need help of therapy that before I almost got schizophrenia when I started to hear voices in my head. Those horrible diseases made me realize I have to accept everything and that I have to survive, and that writing is one of my remedies.
- refers to Dr.Watson PTSD therapy by blogging.
"Are you making this up?", Lestrad would probably said that.
I don't care, I had those traumas along with few attempts of suicide, but I survived, others should know that. I now have a better reason, I'm a single parent and I have to live for my son.
By the way, pardon my English, sir. I've been teaching only 7 years until now and still working on my English. It's quite hard to study language when I don't have the environment. Though, I tried to expose myself through English speaking environment around 8 hours a day. It's just that I'm the one who create the environment. So I can't study more from the better teacher.
Storytelling... a cathartic process, isn't it?! (your words,in case you forgot) Well, affirmative, sir.

There... I've said all what's in my mind. Now I have empty head clean from all those rusty and dusty words. Last night I became fluent again in speaking while teaching. It's not easy for a woman who has the condition of being lack in verbal ability - said my psychology test result - ssstttt... don't tell anyone, they might discharge me for this - but a girl gotta protect herself and her son to survive, right? or am I wrong? Well, it's worth the try...

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

All Alone And Bandung

You had me at first sight…
I’ll marry you since that night…
-          Sendiri dan Bandung –
in the deepest dark of the night.
I smell the sense of yours in delight.
bring me back again to that night
when you're so perfect.
call me pathetic
because I'm longing like an old woman.
call me naive
I'm merely just a human.
after all...

you're the best from them all...

hard worker,
wild and naughty,
yet pious in the same time.
whew.I just found another me in different shape.
an alpha male.knows what he wants...

found another proof of
perfect figure bursts perfect mind.
what's in your head makes you perfect.

like when your hands reached out to me yesterday.
like when before you touched me with your words and thoughts
I refused not because I didn't want to be helped.
It's just that I've been alone and trying to be strong for too long.
Give me some times... that...
I promise someday I'll need you...
but I just did yesterday, didn't I...
May I have a hope just because you fastly answered me.
I never know what I want since I only knew what I don't want.
but you've made me wanting you...

- for the man of his plans –

Realize that I’m like a storm sweeps on you
I ravage them all anything in you with the Blue
I leave you completely high and dry like I look greedy
You’ll hate me and there’ll be nothing left but the best that you can be…
It’s just an evil wisdom from the dark side of me
-Vain –
Put all memories about you in writings,
Because remembering you is intoxicating,
I don’t wanna feel the pain,
You leave me no choice but to live in vain,
Though I try not to get hurt,
It’s unavoidable when your anger finally burst

                It has been three days since the last call from Dante. He left me no choice but regretting of what I’ve done. He’s mature enough so this maybe the way he matures me. Or it’s just that he doesn’t care. I thought the writings would just end badly, but unfortunately now it’s more like my diary. Let’s see, what this will be. It’s like all problems that happened with the previous guys. Our connection is actually put to the test. Whether it’s friend or foe, let’s see how this ends and which one of us who will finally take a bow. Sebaris pikiran absurd terlintas dibenakku,
Are you okay?
Still angry?
I’ve done something bad for you, ya?
I’m sorry, then…   

Lonely and beautiful
Breath taking...
Like when I remember you...
dark.but intoxicating...

-          Post Scriptum –

You’re an object of my inspiration,
You’re an inspiration of my art projects,
There’s nothing wrong with that,
And it doesn’t mean
I can live with you forever,
Be free….
You’re just an interesting soul to me
-          indifferent gold:an inspiration-

-          Indifferent Gold –

Messy room,
Face with gloom,
Familiar scent of cigar,
As the soul stretched showed scar,
Some on body,
Some like thrown to the sea,
Vanished or just tarnish,
Slice of emptiness,
Like some heart pieces,
No brat not even a cat,
Mellow is on the pillow,
It’s a long term longing,
From a soul that not yet belonging,
So precious so marvelous,
Indifferent yet magnificent,
Like something ancient,
Any soul with wise and grace,
Is mine to easily embrace,
Though it might get old,
It can never be merely jolt,
It will be greater like gold,
Forever I will be glad to hold…

Mom moved on, so she wrote like this…
8 March 2013 · 
Hey, Indifferent Gold, I'm moving on... cause I'm about to get marry tomorrow...
kuangkat kau kelangit tinggi,
lalu kuhempaskan kau ke bumi,
kau bukan lagi sebuah palang...

#bangun pagi, untukmu terangkai sebait kata,
mungkin juga dari yang lainnya,
ingat aku hanya wanita dengan logika,
mungkin saja dirimu hanya pengingat seperti yang satunya,
akan sebaik apa diriku bisa sebenar-benarnya,
kata-kata adalah doa,
tapi aku terlalu malas mendapatkanmu dengan sujud dan segalanya,
selalu lebih nikmat diberi cinta daripada mengejarnya,
I'm moving on..

-indifferent gold-
kau takkan pernah melihatku, aku hanya barang tua dan usang untukmu,
tak lagi dapat diasah(bukan diamond in the rough), kau memang sudah tercetak seperti itu.

So here I am, with the gaze of wisdom on my dark black eyes. 

I, named Dalelucky.

next ----> Ben : An Idol

They Changed My Name

Mom had to change my name because grandpa’s wife doesn’t like the sounds of it. She thought that it sounds like the name of her turquoise “Jole”. But suspiciously, she told that the ones who don’t like the name were my Great Grandpa and my other grandpas. Mom actually smelled this suspicious thing, but she just got along with it coz she knew she would have to put me along with grandpa and his wife. Don’t worry, mom. I know what you felt, I always a little bit mischievous around her. I know how to take care of myself with my deadly smile over her, she will always easily melt. Afterall, mom, you’re the one who always whispers to me to always behave. How you always whisper…
I developed frameworks for your survival,
That’s what mothers do…
Be brave, be lovely, be the best, my dearest son.
 But I just can’t stand them, I got angry to her grandchildren easily. like you always say to me, mom. I do it with sincere smile. Muahahahah. I got cranky coz I was the one who picked the name, but mom had to change it. Grandpa and mom got a fight over my name. Mom got hurt and changed my name with heavy heart and some burden that she knew I was the one who picked that name…..???
Mom wrote a story long before she met dad, so when she had to change my name, she couldn’t think of another name but starts with D. here’s the story…
11 LELAKI ITU ADALAH DIRIMU                                                                  by vina
I couldn’t believe my eyes when he stepped into my life that night. Dante was wet because of the rain. Can you imagine? A man that has the face of my 3rd former boyfriend was there on the front porch of my grandpa’s house. I remember Dante was tall, skinny, had very fair complexion with his slanted eyes that made him look like a Chinese. I was shocked of what Han Han was doing there in my campus. He supposed to be somewhere out there married and having kids or just died because of his activities in the search and rescue team. Han Han is 4 years older than me. Of course, I had that thought. And no way in this earth he would get into my campus as the new freshman. Han Han, my first love, my 3rd former boyfriend, my prince of complication…

And I believe I’ll find these annoyance qualifications in Dante as well, as I finally found out for the next one month. It was that fast, but hey I do live in fast pace, don’t I?!

Pikirku saat itu, hei cecunguk bau, apa yang kau lakukan diteras depan rumah eyangku. How come you even been here?! Then I flash back to two times of our meeting events. How in the earth Dante had found my Facebook account?! I was like, wow. Kill me now if it wasn’t the power of mind that human has. It’s impossible if I’m the one who found him, he wasn’t using his real name. And unfortunately I don’t even know his name. Shame on me. I had a crush on someone and I don’t even try to search for his name. Well, I was busy, money money and money for the sake of my step mom and my little sister of my little family. So there was no place for love, not even dating. I just glad I can help him with English and he was happy as well. But before it was the time when I had the feeling that… ni orang matre nye aujubilee. Tapi memang begitu seharusnya cowo kan. And I have the feeling that Dante is a hard worker by the time he called me about my final decision whether I want to be helped by Dante or his friend. This is a qualification that most of my friends don’t have. It’s the time when Dante had finally had my number.
No, I don’t want to talk about this friend of him that he looked like my 2nd ex that I hate. Small, ugly and proud. He definitely can’t be there. No, he is weak and he can’t handle even the small sighted look of my family. I know this by the time he asked to study English, but he refused right away when I gave him serious English materials unlike Dante who did the assignment right away. No, this guy can’t handle even seeing my family. The only thing that I like from his friend is that he gave me my current job. It’s the only thing that I like, and the only thing that I can’t forget. So obviously, I always have to be nice to this guy.
I’ve known already the great qualification from the shape of Dante’s face and the proportion of his body. Well, I’m sorry I studied at architectural engineering, of course I know about proportion and how adorable the beautiful creature can be. He’s a hard worker, an effective man, and a rich-to-be guy. He’s definitely my type.

Monday, June 15, 2015

I Picked My Own Name:An Opening

Vina's Junkthoughts 3: Diary of Dalelucky
So here I am,
with the gaze of wisdom
on my dark black eyes.
I, named Dalelucky.
Dalelucky Nugroho, 
Sang Lelaki dari keluarga Nugroho

-          I Picked My Own  Name       
I remember…. Dark,
Mom was asking if I wanted to pick my own name
She said: Jewellina?
I stayed in silence…(give me a break,mom! I’m a boy! Wait until you see the result of the USG tomorrow. I surely will show you my masculine thing!)
She asked: Jolelucky?
I kicked..
She asked again: Jewellina or Jolelucky?
How am I supposed to answer to the! silly you!
She said: one more time ya. Jolelucky?
I kicked… good you read my mind, mom!
She asked again: Jewellina?
I stayed in silence… that’s an ugly girl’s name, mom! Do you have to give me the same start-with-J name like my older half brother and sister?! Dad even doesn’t want to acknowledge me as his son, that stupid moron! Ms.Lina is a sick operational manager that always makes your works unfinished! She always bottle necked your! Give me a break! You’re too! I swear I’d kick you hard to say that I don’t agree with that name. but that will give you wrong conclusion that you would think that I was a girl. No! I’m a boy! I surely will show you tomorrow at the USG result.  When the doctor put her USG detector on your stomach I will surely…definitely… show my dick! I have big dick, I’ll show you that. But it won’t be the dick like Dad who has the Dicky name in the middle of his name and that in the end he’s really a dick to finally leave both of us and you have to suffer because of him.arrgghh…
She repeated 3 times and I kicked everytime she asked Jolelucky. That was how I picked my own name.
She said: Jolelucky then, let’s see tomorrow on the USG result ya…
I can feel mom was smiling…. Wide… I’m glad…
The next morning when the doctor put USG detector on mom’s stomach…Voila! My penis was there in the screen. So I sing…

I have big dick and I cannot lie…

My dad is sick and he did deny…

next ----> They Changed My Name