Saturday, August 30, 2014

I Want to Feel

a never ending hurt, maybe this is the price I have to pay, for I've never felt being hurt though those men are such jerks for me.God wants me to realize how they've done me wrong. I have to feel. I want to feel.
It took a night of watching Parade's End just to feel how this hatred is still there in the small darkness side of my heart. It's like the anger that never goes out of my system no matter how many times I've tried so many ways to let it go. I hate and loathe every human being who seek for diseases, stupid diseases which weren't there before. In Bahasa we uses to call it "Penyakit Dicari Sendiri". I know so well that I'm slow, and this man.. or this boy is even slower. I'm a trouble maker, and this boy is a disaster. Again, I was okay on my own, till he showed up with thousands promises that more like forcing me to accept them. Then he just gone leaving me with all his responsibilities that in the end I'm the one who covered them for the rest of my life. If I could, I would kill him over and over. When he came back to life and I'm going to kill him again until my anger is gone. It took me watching Parade's End just to unload the hurt that stored fully in my chest. I never feel, so I need to see fake action of being sad and then crying just to unload the load inside my chest. Again, in the end just to make me stronger and go on with my life. For the sake of Dale. I have to carry on, I'm his only hope, and his only parent who dedicate all of my time in the end just for him at the moment. I want to feel, just to be strong. 

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I Read People

Not a mystery to solve, obviously I'm an open book. But you all are books for me to read and write the endings.

Some of the people from my past thought that I was a mystery for them to solve. But actually I'm not. I'm actually like an open book that if some people clever enough would know what I am. One thing that I know so well is that I read people. Because I'm always in silent, it's actually a condition for me in which I'm easy to observe people. Like I always say, we can learn and think more in silent rather than when we are talking. This is my gifted character. I can read people from one look, it's all there on the surface. I just need to put them on folders in my mind and see in the future whether my deduction of certain people is right or not. Yes, I use my senses.... developed senses. Aren't we all?! This is actually a trait for me as well to control people (woops). Too much watching Sherlock?! I couldn't be happy more that Sir Arthur created a fiction that mostly described me in personal. It thrills me that I'm not alone thinking I'm a freak, like Mom always says that I'm unsociable,

a freak, an autistic person in which I can't communicate well or that I don't feel like ordinary human being. She used to call me "Manusia tanpa perasaan". and I laugh a lot every time I watch Sherlock so thrilled with his own world while Dr.Watson always shouted at him about his "Timing". Again, it thrills me that I can see another human being (a fiction created by Sir Arthur, it's a thought in a person's mind, so it's real enough for me) can act like I always do. Though I pushed myself so hard always to feel, always being aware about the surroundings, always giving affection, being friendly. I'm sorry but all are just tools on how to live this life. I use all those tools just to survive. In truth, like the fiction always says: everything is just transport, what matter is only my work. All lies end, hearts will be broken. In my case  now, Dale is my only everything. I guess Allah gave me a reason to live, then Dale it is.

He saves lives and a fiction.
I build characters, basic people's knowledge, develop frameworks for child's survivors, and I'm real.
Close enough to be the high-functioning sociopath, don't you think?!

The matter of a disguise is always ends with self portrait.
No matter how far how hard, or even how complicated to create fake life and fake personality, in the end, we always show the truth of who we really are. So what I read in people at the first sight, in the end they will reveal themselves as I see them for the first time. 33 years old, and not one from any of them surprised me of whom they really are in the end, including the bad side of Dale's father that I always see the moment I laid my eyes on him. I forced myself to be blind at that time like I gave him 2nd chance because of his efforts that time to convince me that he had good intention. Though it turned out to be just lies and broken promises. What I can't accept is that.. I was okay on my own, my life, my responsibilities in works, teaching, double studies. Then he came promised me anything. I thought I'd be an ungrateful person if I refused because nowadays.. a man chases a woman to get marry is very rare, don't you think?! Well, then again, look at the bright side. I got my gorgeous and lovable Dale. Like Sherlock I am, a positive, a high functioning sociopath.

a blast from the past. My brain is my HD. I delete everything that doesn't relate with my work. Consider I'm married to my work.
Like one of my friends always says: Vina never thinks of anything that doesn't relate with all of her doings, including English, movies, and games or even personality development and how to manipulate people. She never bothered to feel have to know about the current issues or what's in the gossip at the architecture department. She would stay in touch with one of the noisiest and most annoying person in the society just to get to know about the latest gossip. But you can't ever imagine how Vina seems to always get close to each of the people in the society, secretly. How she helped them to overcome their problem. They knew that Vina is always reliable and a right place to save their secrets.
Ok, now I knew what he meant at that time.

There's no such thing as hero, and if there are, I'm not one of them.
Like my half sister always said that I always wanted to be hero that it's actually her mom that always said that I was her hero. You got it wrong, sister. There's no such thing as hero, and if there are, I'm not one of them. I'm just a human, a high functioning sociopath who makes her own kind of world, manipulates people, creates her own world full of good deeds for the sake of creating better places for the ones she loved. You were there with your mom in that kind of world that I've created for you, but you tossed it away and betrayed me. I only need to be stood still and let them judged how evil the both of you. It's like karma does you both right and I got lucky as Allah gave me the privilege to see how karma does you both right. I didn't need to do any effort at that time to destroy both of your reputations. This is who I am, this is how I read people, and manipulate. Be good, then I'll create good world for you. You do me bad, then I just sit still and see how your world torn apart. Yes, it's what I do.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

alone is my protection

You think I'm suffering?!
You think I care if you already have someone?!
I don't, coz you don't deserve me,
I'm alone, on my own, that's my protection.
No one told you to disturb me, to destroy my life,
You came with promises, and then you broke them,
I had my own life that I don't need any disturbances,
I was working, teaching, and also studying in 2 places,
and then you came to disturb me with all your promises.
You ruin my life with all your promises, and when it went further,
you couldn't handle them.
You gave me other burdens, and then you ran away with big talk that you're a responsible man.
BULL SHIT!!! I had to overcome all the mess you've made in my life,
Now you see, I still stand on my own feet. With the responsibility that we should bear together.
I'm a mother, also a father now.
Like you see, I don't need you in my life (you should have think before you talk when you assumed that I want you back)
SORRY that's not going to happen (I'm using "be going to" in which I'm firmly sure), I'm the one who's pregnant, working, teaching, studying, and then you resigned without asking me and depended your life on me?! If you weren't such a pain in my ass, maybe I would consider it. You were useless for me, So I'm gladly kicked you out of my life.
Mind that in your rotten damaged brain that I don't need you.
You have to spend your money on our son because it's your responsibility, moron.
I'm a positive schizophrenia, but you're negative, which means I can live while you don't.
Happy living in a pathetic life that I'm sure karma will do you right.
I'm a Dale-functioning sociopath. I don't need people like you in my life

tall, slender but muscular

next week super teacher

We've got super teacher on board, covers for most of the lessons, absent teachers, and complaints from parents

next week.. most of the teachers won't be able to teach.

the math and physics teacher will take a leave, the Bahasa teacher will have orientation week of her new Magister classes along with PKN teacher. Plus the empty slots that I have to teach, math and English for elementary, also most of the English slots. I expect myself to be the super teacher next week for organizing, supervising, and teaching homeschooling. The game is on...

a gift of reading people:a skill that a teacher should have

how come my superior can't differentiate between normal kids and not?

The question popped out of my head. Really?! You can't see it? Isn't it obvious how a kid couldn't behave like normal people? How come my superior couldn't see it?! It can be seen from the way a kid interacts with others. Now I know why he can't choose a good employee based on one look like I do.But for the love of God, isn't it a skill that you need to have when you choose to be teacher?! How can you teach when you don't know the type of the learners of who your students are. No wonder he couldn't dig the potential of each worker. (I can, I'm a people's potential digger). Well, I'm a watcher. My silence is my weapon to know how people will behave. I meet many people, watch, and learn a lot from them. I'm a listener rather than talker. That's how I learn about everything. That's how I know how to use people (woops). But then again, I just have the gift of reading people. I thank Allah for that.

how my students skip games and asking for extended tenses explanation

This case.. I found, it's quite rare. How come students were willing to skip games and they asked for extended explanations on how to understand tenses. The situation was very much contradictive with the English learning in courses nowadays that most students like to have games and fun time while they're learning language. It's always inevitable that most of students who learn language miss the essence of rules in using language like grammar including tenses. Apparently it doesn't apply in my LBPP-LIA classes. It's also quite contradictive from what I've experienced in my morning homeschooling classes. Most of the students don't have quite strong motivation to study that in the end it drove me to the point that I'm being hopeless. Well, then again there's always balance in everyone's life, and this is my kind of balance. I thank Allah for everything He gave me till my recent life.

by the way, that annoying creature is really annoying. At least that's really what's in his weird little head. If you spend most of your time being alone, you're likely to develop the skill of hearing how people are thinking. So, hearing the annoying kid's thoughts is a thing that I couldn't afford to avoid. Really, I can hear him thinking in random and having useless thoughts with his annoying sound of steps (one of the students in my homeschooling classes).

Teaching LBPP-LIA is definitely different from any places that I've been teaching for these past 8 years. The atmosphere gives me full energy in teaching and I can't stop being creative. The urge of applying FIESTA, (the Fun, Interactive, Explorative, Systematic, Technology-Savvy, and Autonomous) gives me list of things that I have to do before classes. Since I'm quite hyperactive, this kind of phase suits me well. I can compare that preparing to teach in LBPP-LIA classes is as busy as managing English Department, LPP, and Homeschooling at my morning office. It means the teachers should be resourceful to entertain students in class. After all, if the teachers can make the students learning fun English and they enjoying the lessons, the teachers will feel satisfied too. I guess leaving architecture world that building buildings will be worth it if I'm building people's characters through soft skills and the lessons that I teach.       


I never understand in my choices of men. Why are they always like... so high to reach. but most of them are tall, slender but muscular, has excellent characters, fond of dangerous sports or more like bad boys. Some of them are someone's (I can say someone's, not that I'm the one who started it, but them. Like it's always said: "a man has the right to start to love, but not to end it", so it's easy for me to end it when they stopped to have interest in me. It's always easy to live when you're being loved. I just can't be the fool who chases someone who doesn't take any interest in me), or lives in the other side of the world. The thing is, I always attracted to certain kind of things, the dangerous, am more like ...adventurous (like one of my exs said). Now I know why I always like the detective stories (ok, I sound like "the woman" -.-' ), the wise and old sexy of each vampire stories, and the lives or what's going on inside serial killer's head with high consciousness code like Dexter.
Here are some descriptions of the perfect man :

Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch was born and raised in London, England, UK. His parents, Timothy Carlton and Wanda Ventham, are both actors. He attended Brambletye School and Harrow School. Whilst at Harrow, he had an arts scholarship and painted large oil canvases. It's also where he began acting. After he finished school, he took a year off to teach English in a Tibetan monastery. On his return, he studied drama at Manchester University. He continued his training with a one-year course at the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art. By the time he had completed his studies, he already had an agent.....

Fond of extreme sports like skydiving, hot-air ballooning, scuba diving, skiing and high-speed motorcycling....

for further reading...

and some delicious stills

a friend in loneliness

well, I've never been the man of many words,
and there's nothing I could say that you haven't heard,
but I'll sing you love songs till the day I die..
the way I'm feeling, I can't keep it inside,
I sing a sweet serenade whenever you feeling sad,
and a lullaby each night before you go to bed,
I'll sing that you.... are the love of my life,
the way I'm feeling, I can't keep it inside.

a verse from one of Ben's movies and guess what?!... he sang it! Now I've known why I suddenly become Ben's fan for the last couple days. Allah always has a way for me to make me feel accompanied, to make me feel I must go on in this life though with loneliness, then again I'm the Dale-functioning sociopath, aren't I?! so then I recorded his voice and put it as my company. Pathetic?! well, it's always better than being schizo like Dale's father has. The verse... is a friend in loneliness

next ----> Dale-functioning sociopath : A reason to live

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Can a Teacher Feel Hopeless?!

that's what I thought at times I teach at homeschooling. How come 6th grader can't even remember the sequence of ABC, even Dalelucky likes to watch the ABC song and he likes the A as the video says A..A.. Ant. This kid, he got all the notes about the lessons, how come he couldn't do the test. He said he used to study only in Sunday. Gosh... Really?!
I'm sure this kid will laugh when he sees my baby boy mocks him (sigh). to be honest... I'm hopeless. This kid didn't do any effort at all, yet he asked to graduate next year while there are around 2 level of grades that he needs to reach. Can a teacher feel hopeless?! I know I shouldn't, but what can I do when it seems like he's tired easily and he complains all the time. He talks about other students, and he's stuck in his own trauma. REALLY?! at his age I had already answer in diplomatic ways to save myself from the kidnapper (my aunt from my biologist mother who left me). 22 years distance, this kid should have developed far more clever than me. And yet his mind is still at the 3rd grader. Better get back to work and see things that I can do for the next students. a Teacher can never feel hopeless for she has other students to teach...  

Dale-Functioning Sociopath:a Reason to Live

high functioning sociopath...,

I was wondering when the term came out from Benedict's lips. The shape of the lips that made me missing. Missing someone or else, or maybe I just miss my cute baby boy, Dalelucky. When I opened my Facebook account, there he was, said "I miss you, I love you since day 1", the unreachable lover that I've known for 4 years. He's on the other side of the world like 5 hours different far away, like 4 days of trip from my place to his. Svetoslav Arnaudov, the reason why I feel missing when I watch Cumberbatch. It's impossible if I long for someone that I've never known before like Cumberbatch. How I miss the clear of his transparent eyes. It turned out to be, I've missed Arny's clear green eyes.

I browsed through Arny's files and I've found how he has high cheek bones like Cumberbatch has. Then I made his face as my wallpaper background. Those eyes, lonely that long for something. Sad lonely eyes yet he has the perfection in his life unless the area of relationship, just like Arny, and just like me. Not, to mention, they both born in the same year.

There's always a reason why I accidentally stick to certain movie. How I've seen the loneliness, the unwanted child, the miseries, and else. Who would think that those slanted eyes-guys who are really fond of me would finally came in the form of Dale's father that finally disgusted me. In the end is just a clue for me, of how I have to understand my life. I've never been good in socializing with people, I always have my own world, whether it's in the games or in movies and series. I always look for free entertainment to watch or play. I never get home to miss someone's arms... strong muscle white arms with blue veins underneath (ever, had enough like thousands times, missing but just a little bit), coz it's always easy for me to find some, with no strings attached. Like Bond always says:"Single! Sorry, you're not my type" (I believe there's no coincidence why Cumberbatch will play the next Bond). It's not that I like to mess with someone's but they keep calling me. Having Dalelucky is the sign that I have to stop to do further. Take it, but use the brain, always. I never regret that the last time I didn't use my brain, that gorgeous creature came out of my womb. Cute, handsome, gorgeous, and lovable. Just hope he has great life, perfect for his health, his body's function, his brain, and everything. I hope for Dalelucky all the best things in the world. There's always reason why he lives and tries so hard to live since he was as big as 0,69cm tall until now.

since I've finally known that I'm a low level functioning sociopath,  after I've watched how Cumberbatch always firms the term. Yeah, now I am, I never think of anyone's feelings. I have my own world. My own world of making the better place, for my own purpose of the peace in my heart. My own purpose of having many good deeds as my savings in the after life. My own world of creating the best places for the ones I love. Those credibility, integrity, affection for my students, in the end is just for my afterlife savings and money of course. I can take both without having to do much effort, not as hard as being an architect. Get back from the death-alcoholic, tumor surgery-cigarettes, c-section surgery-giving birth are the efforts of ending my life. No, I have to live now that then I have my reason to live... is just Dalelucky, then I can say... I am a Dale-functioning sociopath.

next --> Mom's Life Story for Her Idol