a never ending hurt, maybe this is the price I have to pay, for I've never felt being hurt though those men are such jerks for me.God wants me to realize how they've done me wrong. I have to feel. I want to feel.
It took a night of watching Parade's End just to feel how this hatred is still there in the small darkness side of my heart. It's like the anger that never goes out of my system no matter how many times I've tried so many ways to let it go. I hate and loathe every human being who seek for diseases, stupid diseases which weren't there before. In Bahasa we uses to call it "Penyakit Dicari Sendiri". I know so well that I'm slow, and this man.. or this boy is even slower. I'm a trouble maker, and this boy is a disaster. Again, I was okay on my own, till he showed up with thousands promises that more like forcing me to accept them. Then he just gone leaving me with all his responsibilities that in the end I'm the one who covered them for the rest of my life. If I could, I would kill him over and over. When he came back to life and I'm going to kill him again until my anger is gone. It took me watching Parade's End just to unload the hurt that stored fully in my chest. I never feel, so I need to see fake action of being sad and then crying just to unload the load inside my chest. Again, in the end just to make me stronger and go on with my life. For the sake of Dale. I have to carry on, I'm his only hope, and his only parent who dedicate all of my time in the end just for him at the moment. I want to feel, just to be strong.