Friday, April 4, 2014

junkthoughts 2: opening

29 January 2011 at 16:11
It begun where the life ship already wrecked.  Such imaginative questions came from the mouth of a strong character adult.

'My dear daughter, what if.. your real mother was a singer, would you forget about me ? would you leave me and not beside me anymore ? ',
'Will you back to your ancestor's religion if what they had is not the same with what you had now ?'

such ridiculous questions...

'You've been there for me, being my mother all the time. Love and caring me, sacrifice all for me, be in this wrecked life that left by your husband (at that time I couldn't call that man, my father). we can hold the three of us till today, you, lil sist and I.  I'm not human if I leave you after all those.'

Call me naive, but these things don't happen in real life right ?! unsettled divorced or missing father are enough to be a story of life.  And that's momy always prepared me all these years. Yes, life is not as beautiful as it seems.  And that's my armor of life.  She could killed me many times a day just to get me understood about her points. And yet these exercises making me a monster of mastermind.

'About the faith, believe me, I studied all, the other just can't accept by my brain.  If you poisoning me with your faith all this time, then you are really succeeded.  I can't turn to other just becoz my ancestors told me to do.  I am what I am now, and no money nor wealthy can buy that'

Never crossed in my mind that those answers would actually happened and be strengthened with all of my actions after I found out the truth, step by step till 10 years after. Yet, I can't forgive myself for what happen to her and lil sist, becoz of my father, becoz of my existence.  And these thoughts that haunted for years, actually happened.  Yes, no more hero, no more mastermind.

I have no idea that the reality kept getting worse and worse.  It changed me alot till I don't know who I am anymore.  Introvert as I used to, crying over words and sentences on papers without any tears.  Multi problems and multi tasks to solved. Yet I solved them all, was a father for my little family.  When it was just we all three. No big family, and it's all just about money, when everything felt simple to solved. 


I don't have my own feeling,
I borrow people's feeling to feel...

I have no emotion, just fight and fight everyday.  Till she called me human without feelings.  No use, huh. Crying, regretting and falling apart.  So tell me about myself how I must feel about my life, then I would cry over it, not becoz I feel it, becoz I feel other's sympathy on me.

I’ve killed my sense each time you talked about great peoples around us, mom…
for I’ve killed my hopes and dreams which are gettin for to reach…
cause there’s a time when I choose myself to be a guardian angel in a human form..
for I couldn’t develop an ego of my own…
for I couldn’t left my mom alone…
the wrinkles may appear… the back may gettin lower…
but I’ll always keep my heart young, strong and wise for you mom…
let her freely high flying, your daughter the only one, for times she’s been suffering …
then let me be the woman without age for I’ll always be there for you mom…
till death do us apart…

and these... actually happened, two years later...

https://www.facebook.com/notes/vina-ariestharini/opening/10150096328793872

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