Saturday, September 6, 2014

cathartic process of giving a birth to some works

".. a process of story telling is a cathartic process.." -Benedict Cumberbatch on Stuart-A Life Backwards Interview

it is... cathartic. The headache, the body function that failed to accommodate the responsibilities of carrying on what I have in life. My job, my daily needs and responsibilities. I want to go out of all of them. Take a day off or two. Being sick of daily routines facing the same idiots. The superior who can't face the reality that his and her employees are limited in the amount and in the skills (am having fun talking about people's negative traits) that I tried so hard to add more people to my department to be trained by me, yet she always slows me down, or facing my donkey brain subordinate who always makes the same mistakes over and over made me even more stupid to tell him over and over about the same mistakes. I had enough with every student that goes into my English department is only my privilege to teach, also now I teach math (I did remember I ask only teaching English, and that I avoid math and physics which consumate my brain and erase important places that I should put English in it). I hardly ever sit in my own desk to do other 2 divisions' agenda. Insufficient salary for triple jobs. Great, I wouldn't do it if I hadn't got the scholarship and now on my way to a bigger place with more salary in the job. I'm sick of everything that's in my life right now. Well, obviously except for Dale, the gorgeous son of mine. and even Dale, I can't be with him at the moment because of the stupid creature that left us in which I refer to Dale's father.

The cathartic process is always there when I have the urge to give a birth to some works. Yesterday painting, writing, movie, and video clips are in the line of my results after having the cathartic process. I remember even giving birth to Dale wasn't this scary and draining alot of energy. Now, stack of papers of lesson plans can give me the cathartic feeling and in the same time makes me drown in never ending happiness. I have no idea how I ended as being an English teacher. Those journeys of having relationship with arts (except music-was forbidden for me as my singer mother's daughter) from painting, writing, making movies (don't bother to measure how stupid I am that I'm not that into the history of arts except for movies that the bliss of ignorance from not knowing about others' works is a way for me to make myself thrilled by nonsense and feel free to produce anything without the worrying of committing plagiarism), then architecture made me realize, What am I doing here in the world of arts if in the end I only being an English teacher which is an effective way of never study and work for the rest of my life because all I need to do is just browsing and finishing everything in English which is my way in watching movies. I actually never work anymore, nowadays. I don't need to think rapidly how to finish some writings when my editor shouted in my inboxes all the time about the deadlines, or when I have to cast some unskilled people to fit in the characters. Arrgghhh... I wish I could clon Ben and also make some female versions of him to be put as my actors and actreesses, hahah. At that time I don't need to waste weeks of searching the right person for the characters, and I don't need to play myself to play the twisted split personality character role who acts as lesbian, peacemaker, bestfriend, caring person, and a fake hero(with Linkin Park soundtrack-gosh,it was so cool) at the same time. It was that funny that all people around me forced me to finish the script and forced me to create this nonsense role of ambiguous characters in a female version that in the end I'm the one who acted it.

It was cathartic to give birth to some pages of poems or essays about my past to inspire people and then to be posted in Facebook or my blog just to clear the mind to get on with the life I have. It took days of filthy activities not paying attention to my own health and hygiene. and after that I had to take a bath like 3 times a day to get back to another me which was always ready to have sex. It is cathartic, to toss away this one page of junkthought to clear my mind and go on with my lesson plans. Finish them, Vina! finish them! aren't you the Dale-functioning sociopath?! Finish them! Take the money, and travel to your gorgeous son.    

Wednesday, September 3, 2014


have to find something to erase those voices and back to sanity...

as my sanity faded away,
just you (my diary) and me,
in a quiet symphony,
at times absolute madness,
saves the days

from Junkthought 1


my heart hurt, heartache.. I dunno why. Just had my lunch and I felt so sleepy. I only ate batagor, not rice, because I believe rice makes me so so sleepy. I asked bapak, he said Dale is so sleepy just after he had lunch. Owh, ok then this is the biologist relation of a mother and her son. Ok, then I don't need to worry, also before I contacted Ibu, my step mom and my grandfather. Ibu replied, but grandpa, not yet. a little bit worried. If Dale sleepy, then his mom should take a cup of coffee, and that's what I'm going to do. Gosh, I still have elementary 4, Can Do 3 lesson plans and bunch of papers to be examined and report by the end of this week. Dunno if I can manage it, I surely have to. I think I'm just tired being the straight A teacher. Being the best at 2 places is quite exhausting eventually, hahaha.. I have to make it, I have Dale
well, I guess I'm just missing Dale... so much

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Watch You Later

this English (sometimes math) teacher has got works to do including hundreds of pages of students' writings to correct, end  terms reports for 3 classes, and lesson plans by the end of the week. So I'll sit back and relax watch Parade's End while my other life rushing to finish the whole works (I can do both at the same time-kidding, I'll watch when I need to stretch this 33 years old woman's back). So... I'll watch you later...

The Origin of Vina's Junkthoughts

The Origin of Vina's Junkthoughts:a letter for Living-in-London Mom
Why can't people just think?!
(from Sherlock)

This kind of question always popped out of my head every time there were troubles in the family, my little family and in the big family (but without the 3rd generation of 25 grand children including me-might want to keep the quarrels stay till the 2nd generation. Hope so, because we have Dale as the 4th generation.I want to create better family environment for him, unlike what had happened to me, my half younger sister, and my half younger brothers. Who would thought I am the only child from the same father and mother while I have 3 younger siblings from my Mom and Dad separately. And why should I always attracted to English actors such as Brosnan, Jude Law, Hugh Grant, Stephen Moyer, and now.. Ben. and Why Should Mom lives in London-my biologist mother in which I stayed in her womb only 9 months. She gave a birth to me and then gave me up 2 months later and then showed up 29 years in advance just to ask for inheritance. Then when she couldn't get it she just flew away back to London. Can I say Dale has the same fate?! My mom left me, and Dale's father left him. Don't worry, my son, you're not alone, your mom has the same experience and I will always be there for all questions that you want to ask about how cruel people can be. Even though the person is your own biologist parent. If mom doesn't live in London, maybe I'll find my way to London that I always like anything about England since I was a child, especially London. This reminds me when I gave an English Placement test for a student. I was the examiner and when she was asked about particular city in the world that she chose if she has the opportunity to study abroad, she picked London. She transferred from regular English to Cambridge English course. She couldn't give the reason, and I understand exactly, why. I myself don't know why I love London, maybe it's the same like I was born in Jakarta and that I love that city that much though she's cruel enough to make me living in another city, Bandung, for 15 years. Yet every weekend I always go to Jakarta to visit my grandfather. Or I just missed my cruel city. Or maybe when I always create fictional characters in my writings that end up in New York, trapped in luxury studio apartment in Manhattan. I can fool a foreigner in  Kansas when we were playing Castle Age

about the whole group of guild who live in Brooklyn, Salonika, and Indonesia were all actually made up by me. I had to create my particular ex that always clings on me until the beginning of this year, to live and to die. I felt the need of killing him. and this poor foreigner felt sorry and so sad when my ex's character had to die in a bike accident in Salonika. The pictures are real, can't believe he actually thought my ex came from China with his tall slender but muscular perfect proportion-look.

He might felt loss, but my ex and I hurt deeper for 8 years we couldn't be together. That Allah gave a way for us to meet not coincidentally - there's no such thing as coincidence, Star Trek Into Darkness-

 in 1993 that we didn't know each other yet, and then later He made us to meet again in 2006 to fall in love and then it had to be over because he already married at that time. I can never accept married man. It's like I'm bitching my father's third wife for taking my father away and then I became her. It's absolutely not in my agenda.  Now I know why I can sit for hours watching White Collar. Too many about me in the parentheses, hahah) as well.

Those times, when I had to struggle for my step mom who raised me since I was 4 (I can't believe I'm so aware of who my father was-it feels like yesterday when my aunt from my biologist mother came to my kindergarten school and showed my father picture with her. How young I was and aware that my father is a womanizer. Is it that cruel to let a girl that young knew the true color of her own Dad? This auntie not even put on a masked-Give a man a mask and he will tell you the truth-Oscar Wilde.

Or is it my benefit of being aware in a very young age that made me can get through all of these? Others will say I have my own miseries. I always say... I have my own adventures. and the family is my battlefield. Never like politics and manipulation, but in the end I have to manipulate people. -

...I have the brain of the Devil's hand. 
Everyone is attached to my Demon's Plans. 
It's like conducting the orchestra, 
I placed them in my own drama. 
Suck them dried and take the whole advantages,
for the sake of making better places
I’m the devil’s advocate of any brainstorming
I’m the sarcastic of any warm greeting
my protective shield is thick
no one could have me as a pick
but sometimes I do feel alone
in the conspiracy of my own...

from Vina's Junkthoughts : Kisah Seorang Pelacur Kehidupan, chapter 2, page 22-23.
PANDORA BOX 1703'99 by Vina

yeah I understand who Khan is in Star Trek Into Darkness, I got myself the real one, which is me)and my half younger sister when father left.

"Mozart could go to sleep and wake up with the whole symphony and no idea how they got there"-Hawking

by they way, I'm 33, was born in 1981, some like it hot....

(finally I talked about this wonderful work of Ben, it's like there's a load in my chest that I can't unload. I want to watch again but I couldn't. It's more than just touching, all great and positive adjectives can't describe his work here. It's more than those, beyond those great credits and praises. It's like I wanted to cry for the whole session of the movie but I couldn't. Ben pictured Hawking so brave, with great eagerness, without hesitation about his illness, without sighing, always smiling-I agree,I always smile though people think I'm so pathetic or when they feel sad about me. This is just a life that all miseries will eventually turn into happiness. I just need to enjoy every single moment of my life. All the good and bad things in it. I couldn't bear myself to watch it more, but I had to finish it. It's a work that's really inspiring people to work what they want to achieve till the last breath or the last drop of their blood. Now I remember how Dale's father is so so far from being eager. I was the one who arrange some works for him. And yet he chose to give me empty promises, left me and his own son. Stupid creature, there are actually so many that he can do as multi-talented person. Shame on him for wasting all the gifts that he has

*from Sherlock). If Ben said that Hawking is one of his great work, I agree. Hawking is one of his works that touched me so deeply that me-the unsociable autistic person who can't communicate well-can talk hours about Hawking in a very enthusiastic way.

And yes, I got up at 5 am with Ben's voice as the alarm (a friend in loneliness). and yes, I have the whole idea of this writing in my head, like I always get the idea on how to solve my family's problems or how to face those grown ups people who didn't act like grown ups, or how to manipulate my father on how to successfully helping my step mom and my half younger sister. I hate myself at that time that I have to be someone else so cruel, slick, and evil just to make better place for my beloved step mom and half younger sister. Too bad they had to toss it away. Well, since they got what they want and that they don't need me anymore, I think it's worth when I had to release them and let their reputation torn apart without any little effort from me. But seriously, years of dedicating myself for them, leaving my architecture degree to work and to help them, and then after 6 years, mom only said I was useless just because I overslept because I was sick and couldn't get at the travel station on time. How could she said I should just die. and the silly me drank 2 bottles of Vodka along with 2 bottles of cough medicine at once(silly me didn't know that time that Vodka is actually reversing the poisonous effect of overdose from too much cough medicine). I still remember how I fainted. The sound of surroundings which slowly disappearing (like the sound of Bing Bang's left over-Hawking, It's funny how some people think the universe is steady. The thought of universe has a beginning and someday it'll end is already in my primary school's mind in my beloved moslem religion that everything has a beginning and eventually will end. Only Allah who has no end, has no beginning, and has no shape because He's more than the universe itself. Good moslems, are those people who think. If Sherlock says Why Can't People Just Think?! I say... it's normal for us, moslems), the heart beat that went slowly weaker. and then he came to save me. If  my ex wasn't there to help me, I believe that first effort of ending my life would be successful. But then again, look at me now, I've survived from 3 attempts of suicide, I have a son that I have to live, and carry on. Because I'm his only hope, his only parent that will be there at times no person will support him. I will be the only one left for him to continue living. I believe he has the purpose coming to this world that he had struggle so hard  to live since he was as big as 0,69 cm tall. and that I almost lost him when his heart was excited more than it had to be when I gave birth to him. The way Mozart thought, it is normal that it also happens to me in writings. How I can write more than 600 pages(recorded in blogs, facebook, 2 junkthought books-not to mention the pages unrecorded in any kind of writings including free verse, short novels, poems, photo interpretation, music lyric and many else)with ideas that I get every time I wake up. or at times I get the ideas of the whole English course programs or the marketing ideas. It's normal.

Now, Why can't  people just think?!
Let's not talk about the past that happened when I hate the times my half younger sister couldn't think that the action she did was actually hurting her mom, or that why couldn't she think that she shouldn't make quarrel with her mom in front of her father that her father would be angry and in the end would shout at her mom. Her mom was hurt and she called me, then I said why could she not think. Why could my father not think when the trouble maker was actually his own third wife who proudly thought she could raise Dale and thought I wasn't a good mother (parenting is a matter of trial and error-as long as parent thinks of anything best for her child and because she's loving her son, there's no such thing as bad mother). That this wife of my father's was giving me promises that she couldn't keep. That in the end she couldn't handle Dale by herself because she was exhausted. It's actually a reason that I can accept instead of her telling me that this was all my fault and that in the end she did "Divide Et Impera" for my big family including my grandfather. I swear if she weren't my father's wife, I would have killed her for giving me empty promises and then betrayed me with all her doings making trouble in the family. It's like having Dale's father again on my side which I deeply loathe it. No wonder they were born under the same star sign with only 2 days difference. and still there are so many things that made me think... Why Can't People just think?! Recently, my colleague in the office that my boss called him as my subordinate. A male of under dog which always doing anything in slow motion. I know I'm slow, but this creature is even slower. I always thought... Why can't people just think?! This slow subordinate, why can't you just think that you can look at the time, that there's schedule on the board, why should I am the one who always tells you about the things you have to do, why can't you just think about... arrgghhh there are so many... and why can't people just think of how my operational manager along with my boss couldn't differentiate between normal and autistic kid?! Why Can't people just think? Why can't people observe! It's obvious, moron! We can look at the way this kid interacts with people. It's in the way he answers for questions. How can you both my superior couldn't see?! They said, it was undetected. I said, it's because you simply didn't observe, moron. A quiet person is the best observer-from Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

I can't say that they're stupid because they are my superiors. Like Sherlock always says: Don't worry, practically everyone is.... stupid.

and because I'm thinking, it's actually why vina's junkthoughts are there. I'm not a high functioning sociopath like Sherlock who uses his brain to solve crimes and save people. But I think my brainwave is too active for only being a teacher (thanks to my 80 students from 6 different classes that I'm no longer creature of the night who live from coffee and cigarettes with midnight online games along with the Bulgarians that I have to deal with 5 hours difference. The efforts to teach all of you until 8 pm each night makes me sleep well after 4 hours watching Ben's movies) and that I have too many to think as reflections of my traumas and how I made my way to survive from those cruel things. Writing has always been a cure for me. so when Dr.Watson was told to write, I agree, writing is a cure for PTSD. It's the origin of vina's junkthoughts. Next, maybe I'll try violin. Sherlock reminds me of my one activity that I haven't got the chance to start it. Painting, writing, and acting now English are my worlds, but music is always one thing that I love the most. I always wants to play violin, small and handy to carry. Thanks, Sherlock. Now that I stand on my own feet, I can do things that I want (I remember I don't ask or go out much to waste money except for good food to help me working-again, for my family). I just haven't got the chance to touch music (wasting my talent when I suddenly play the tune of Sailor Moon or any other music on my Pianika without looking at the musical notes when I was in primary school). That my big family always separates me from music just because my living-in-London Mom was a singer and I believe she still one in the church. They said, they don't want me to end up like her. Well, I ended up like her anyway. Loving London, being teacher, accidentally had to get through horrible things. No wonder we look exactly alike. Well, if you see her walking around in London, an Asian middle aged woman with black hair and eyes, dark complexion skin walking with original Caribbean man with 2 boys who look like Tiger Wood or Barack Obama, say hi for her, from her only daughter, Vina. Tell her, she has a cute gorgeous perfect lovable grandson, Dalelucky Nugroho.        

Monday, September 1, 2014

Flirting?! Ok, Connecting?! Hmmm...

Flirting, is easy..
Connecting, is a different story for me

I don't know if my face is that playful. One thing I know for sure, cute male shopkeepers always try to make me laughing or smiling, recently until yesterday. I don't recall any shopkeeper teased other customers like what they did to me. Am I that playful or I look that easy to smile as in being friendly?! From what I've known, I always get the attention of the cute guys in schools and college. I mean it, I do look like a geek or nerd, but I can always get the attention of popular and cool guys at schools and college since I was in primary school. It's that easy, but to make it last longer... hmm... it's a problem that I've never known to solve even until now. Then it is..  flirting is always easy for me, but to get connected, hmm... can you tell me, how? No wonder I got too many exs and not one of them including Dale's father stay with me. If you give the check list of how to be a good wife, I can give the checked lists on all of the requirements (from early waking up, breakfast up to dinner served, private health consultant, housekeeping and early dawn casual sex) except for being pretty. Well, not really, being pretty and graceful is easy. I have the talent since I was born. But to make me slim and have fair skin with thick make up, sorry. I choose to be decent better than have to fake the real me. I believe beauty and sexy can be achieved from within and brain. Brainy is the new sexy, isn't it?! 

Sherlock at episode of signs of three pictured the real me. How I can't get along with crowds (no wonder I hate clubbing), and that I used to sneak up when they all having good time. I always... feeling lonely in the crowd. I'm okay with that, maybe it's just the way I am. People easily get connected with me because I always try to be friendly and full of affection. It is me who don't easily get connected. Up until know, it's still a problem though I can survive being a teacher and straight A student. Small scholarship, now I have my own price for my work, how one company would like to buy me from my previous company. I made my own way in my life. I don't have degree, but I still have credibility and being reliable. I have to carry on, for the sake of my Dale

Saturday, August 30, 2014

I Want to Feel

a never ending hurt, maybe this is the price I have to pay, for I've never felt being hurt though those men are such jerks for me.God wants me to realize how they've done me wrong. I have to feel. I want to feel.
It took a night of watching Parade's End just to feel how this hatred is still there in the small darkness side of my heart. It's like the anger that never goes out of my system no matter how many times I've tried so many ways to let it go. I hate and loathe every human being who seek for diseases, stupid diseases which weren't there before. In Bahasa we uses to call it "Penyakit Dicari Sendiri". I know so well that I'm slow, and this man.. or this boy is even slower. I'm a trouble maker, and this boy is a disaster. Again, I was okay on my own, till he showed up with thousands promises that more like forcing me to accept them. Then he just gone leaving me with all his responsibilities that in the end I'm the one who covered them for the rest of my life. If I could, I would kill him over and over. When he came back to life and I'm going to kill him again until my anger is gone. It took me watching Parade's End just to unload the hurt that stored fully in my chest. I never feel, so I need to see fake action of being sad and then crying just to unload the load inside my chest. Again, in the end just to make me stronger and go on with my life. For the sake of Dale. I have to carry on, I'm his only hope, and his only parent who dedicate all of my time in the end just for him at the moment. I want to feel, just to be strong. 

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I Read People

Not a mystery to solve, obviously I'm an open book. But you all are books for me to read and write the endings.

Some of the people from my past thought that I was a mystery for them to solve. But actually I'm not. I'm actually like an open book that if some people clever enough would know what I am. One thing that I know so well is that I read people. Because I'm always in silent, it's actually a condition for me in which I'm easy to observe people. Like I always say, we can learn and think more in silent rather than when we are talking. This is my gifted character. I can read people from one look, it's all there on the surface. I just need to put them on folders in my mind and see in the future whether my deduction of certain people is right or not. Yes, I use my senses.... developed senses. Aren't we all?! This is actually a trait for me as well to control people (woops). Too much watching Sherlock?! I couldn't be happy more that Sir Arthur created a fiction that mostly described me in personal. It thrills me that I'm not alone thinking I'm a freak, like Mom always says that I'm unsociable,

a freak, an autistic person in which I can't communicate well or that I don't feel like ordinary human being. She used to call me "Manusia tanpa perasaan". and I laugh a lot every time I watch Sherlock so thrilled with his own world while Dr.Watson always shouted at him about his "Timing". Again, it thrills me that I can see another human being (a fiction created by Sir Arthur, it's a thought in a person's mind, so it's real enough for me) can act like I always do. Though I pushed myself so hard always to feel, always being aware about the surroundings, always giving affection, being friendly. I'm sorry but all are just tools on how to live this life. I use all those tools just to survive. In truth, like the fiction always says: everything is just transport, what matter is only my work. All lies end, hearts will be broken. In my case  now, Dale is my only everything. I guess Allah gave me a reason to live, then Dale it is.

He saves lives and a fiction.
I build characters, basic people's knowledge, develop frameworks for child's survivors, and I'm real.
Close enough to be the high-functioning sociopath, don't you think?!

The matter of a disguise is always ends with self portrait.
No matter how far how hard, or even how complicated to create fake life and fake personality, in the end, we always show the truth of who we really are. So what I read in people at the first sight, in the end they will reveal themselves as I see them for the first time. 33 years old, and not one from any of them surprised me of whom they really are in the end, including the bad side of Dale's father that I always see the moment I laid my eyes on him. I forced myself to be blind at that time like I gave him 2nd chance because of his efforts that time to convince me that he had good intention. Though it turned out to be just lies and broken promises. What I can't accept is that.. I was okay on my own, my life, my responsibilities in works, teaching, double studies. Then he came promised me anything. I thought I'd be an ungrateful person if I refused because nowadays.. a man chases a woman to get marry is very rare, don't you think?! Well, then again, look at the bright side. I got my gorgeous and lovable Dale. Like Sherlock I am, a positive, a high functioning sociopath.

a blast from the past. My brain is my HD. I delete everything that doesn't relate with my work. Consider I'm married to my work.
Like one of my friends always says: Vina never thinks of anything that doesn't relate with all of her doings, including English, movies, and games or even personality development and how to manipulate people. She never bothered to feel have to know about the current issues or what's in the gossip at the architecture department. She would stay in touch with one of the noisiest and most annoying person in the society just to get to know about the latest gossip. But you can't ever imagine how Vina seems to always get close to each of the people in the society, secretly. How she helped them to overcome their problem. They knew that Vina is always reliable and a right place to save their secrets.
Ok, now I knew what he meant at that time.

There's no such thing as hero, and if there are, I'm not one of them.
Like my half sister always said that I always wanted to be hero that it's actually her mom that always said that I was her hero. You got it wrong, sister. There's no such thing as hero, and if there are, I'm not one of them. I'm just a human, a high functioning sociopath who makes her own kind of world, manipulates people, creates her own world full of good deeds for the sake of creating better places for the ones she loved. You were there with your mom in that kind of world that I've created for you, but you tossed it away and betrayed me. I only need to be stood still and let them judged how evil the both of you. It's like karma does you both right and I got lucky as Allah gave me the privilege to see how karma does you both right. I didn't need to do any effort at that time to destroy both of your reputations. This is who I am, this is how I read people, and manipulate. Be good, then I'll create good world for you. You do me bad, then I just sit still and see how your world torn apart. Yes, it's what I do.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

alone is my protection

You think I'm suffering?!
You think I care if you already have someone?!
I don't, coz you don't deserve me,
I'm alone, on my own, that's my protection.
No one told you to disturb me, to destroy my life,
You came with promises, and then you broke them,
I had my own life that I don't need any disturbances,
I was working, teaching, and also studying in 2 places,
and then you came to disturb me with all your promises.
You ruin my life with all your promises, and when it went further,
you couldn't handle them.
You gave me other burdens, and then you ran away with big talk that you're a responsible man.
BULL SHIT!!! I had to overcome all the mess you've made in my life,
Now you see, I still stand on my own feet. With the responsibility that we should bear together.
I'm a mother, also a father now.
Like you see, I don't need you in my life (you should have think before you talk when you assumed that I want you back)
SORRY that's not going to happen (I'm using "be going to" in which I'm firmly sure), I'm the one who's pregnant, working, teaching, studying, and then you resigned without asking me and depended your life on me?! If you weren't such a pain in my ass, maybe I would consider it. You were useless for me, So I'm gladly kicked you out of my life.
Mind that in your rotten damaged brain that I don't need you.
You have to spend your money on our son because it's your responsibility, moron.
I'm a positive schizophrenia, but you're negative, which means I can live while you don't.
Happy living in a pathetic life that I'm sure karma will do you right.
I'm a Dale-functioning sociopath. I don't need people like you in my life

tall, slender but muscular

next week super teacher

We've got super teacher on board, covers for most of the lessons, absent teachers, and complaints from parents

next week.. most of the teachers won't be able to teach.

the math and physics teacher will take a leave, the Bahasa teacher will have orientation week of her new Magister classes along with PKN teacher. Plus the empty slots that I have to teach, math and English for elementary, also most of the English slots. I expect myself to be the super teacher next week for organizing, supervising, and teaching homeschooling. The game is on...

a gift of reading people:a skill that a teacher should have

how come my superior can't differentiate between normal kids and not?

The question popped out of my head. Really?! You can't see it? Isn't it obvious how a kid couldn't behave like normal people? How come my superior couldn't see it?! It can be seen from the way a kid interacts with others. Now I know why he can't choose a good employee based on one look like I do.But for the love of God, isn't it a skill that you need to have when you choose to be teacher?! How can you teach when you don't know the type of the learners of who your students are. No wonder he couldn't dig the potential of each worker. (I can, I'm a people's potential digger). Well, I'm a watcher. My silence is my weapon to know how people will behave. I meet many people, watch, and learn a lot from them. I'm a listener rather than talker. That's how I learn about everything. That's how I know how to use people (woops). But then again, I just have the gift of reading people. I thank Allah for that.

how my students skip games and asking for extended tenses explanation

This case.. I found, it's quite rare. How come students were willing to skip games and they asked for extended explanations on how to understand tenses. The situation was very much contradictive with the English learning in courses nowadays that most students like to have games and fun time while they're learning language. It's always inevitable that most of students who learn language miss the essence of rules in using language like grammar including tenses. Apparently it doesn't apply in my LBPP-LIA classes. It's also quite contradictive from what I've experienced in my morning homeschooling classes. Most of the students don't have quite strong motivation to study that in the end it drove me to the point that I'm being hopeless. Well, then again there's always balance in everyone's life, and this is my kind of balance. I thank Allah for everything He gave me till my recent life.

by the way, that annoying creature is really annoying. At least that's really what's in his weird little head. If you spend most of your time being alone, you're likely to develop the skill of hearing how people are thinking. So, hearing the annoying kid's thoughts is a thing that I couldn't afford to avoid. Really, I can hear him thinking in random and having useless thoughts with his annoying sound of steps (one of the students in my homeschooling classes).

Teaching LBPP-LIA is definitely different from any places that I've been teaching for these past 8 years. The atmosphere gives me full energy in teaching and I can't stop being creative. The urge of applying FIESTA, (the Fun, Interactive, Explorative, Systematic, Technology-Savvy, and Autonomous) gives me list of things that I have to do before classes. Since I'm quite hyperactive, this kind of phase suits me well. I can compare that preparing to teach in LBPP-LIA classes is as busy as managing English Department, LPP, and Homeschooling at my morning office. It means the teachers should be resourceful to entertain students in class. After all, if the teachers can make the students learning fun English and they enjoying the lessons, the teachers will feel satisfied too. I guess leaving architecture world that building buildings will be worth it if I'm building people's characters through soft skills and the lessons that I teach.       


I never understand in my choices of men. Why are they always like... so high to reach. but most of them are tall, slender but muscular, has excellent characters, fond of dangerous sports or more like bad boys. Some of them are someone's (I can say someone's, not that I'm the one who started it, but them. Like it's always said: "a man has the right to start to love, but not to end it", so it's easy for me to end it when they stopped to have interest in me. It's always easy to live when you're being loved. I just can't be the fool who chases someone who doesn't take any interest in me), or lives in the other side of the world. The thing is, I always attracted to certain kind of things, the dangerous, am more like ...adventurous (like one of my exs said). Now I know why I always like the detective stories (ok, I sound like "the woman" -.-' ), the wise and old sexy of each vampire stories, and the lives or what's going on inside serial killer's head with high consciousness code like Dexter.
Here are some descriptions of the perfect man :

Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch was born and raised in London, England, UK. His parents, Timothy Carlton and Wanda Ventham, are both actors. He attended Brambletye School and Harrow School. Whilst at Harrow, he had an arts scholarship and painted large oil canvases. It's also where he began acting. After he finished school, he took a year off to teach English in a Tibetan monastery. On his return, he studied drama at Manchester University. He continued his training with a one-year course at the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art. By the time he had completed his studies, he already had an agent.....

Fond of extreme sports like skydiving, hot-air ballooning, scuba diving, skiing and high-speed motorcycling....

for further reading...

and some delicious stills

a friend in loneliness

well, I've never been the man of many words,
and there's nothing I could say that you haven't heard,
but I'll sing you love songs till the day I die..
the way I'm feeling, I can't keep it inside,
I sing a sweet serenade whenever you feeling sad,
and a lullaby each night before you go to bed,
I'll sing that you.... are the love of my life,
the way I'm feeling, I can't keep it inside.

a verse from one of Ben's movies and guess what?!... he sang it! Now I've known why I suddenly become Ben's fan for the last couple days. Allah always has a way for me to make me feel accompanied, to make me feel I must go on in this life though with loneliness, then again I'm the Dale-functioning sociopath, aren't I?! so then I recorded his voice and put it as my company. Pathetic?! well, it's always better than being schizo like Dale's father has. The verse... is a friend in loneliness

next ----> Dale-functioning sociopath : A reason to live

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Can a Teacher Feel Hopeless?!

that's what I thought at times I teach at homeschooling. How come 6th grader can't even remember the sequence of ABC, even Dalelucky likes to watch the ABC song and he likes the A as the video says A..A.. Ant. This kid, he got all the notes about the lessons, how come he couldn't do the test. He said he used to study only in Sunday. Gosh... Really?!
I'm sure this kid will laugh when he sees my baby boy mocks him (sigh). to be honest... I'm hopeless. This kid didn't do any effort at all, yet he asked to graduate next year while there are around 2 level of grades that he needs to reach. Can a teacher feel hopeless?! I know I shouldn't, but what can I do when it seems like he's tired easily and he complains all the time. He talks about other students, and he's stuck in his own trauma. REALLY?! at his age I had already answer in diplomatic ways to save myself from the kidnapper (my aunt from my biologist mother who left me). 22 years distance, this kid should have developed far more clever than me. And yet his mind is still at the 3rd grader. Better get back to work and see things that I can do for the next students. a Teacher can never feel hopeless for she has other students to teach...  

Dale-Functioning Sociopath:a Reason to Live

high functioning sociopath...,

I was wondering when the term came out from Benedict's lips. The shape of the lips that made me missing. Missing someone or else, or maybe I just miss my cute baby boy, Dalelucky. When I opened my Facebook account, there he was, said "I miss you, I love you since day 1", the unreachable lover that I've known for 4 years. He's on the other side of the world like 5 hours different far away, like 4 days of trip from my place to his. Svetoslav Arnaudov, the reason why I feel missing when I watch Cumberbatch. It's impossible if I long for someone that I've never known before like Cumberbatch. How I miss the clear of his transparent eyes. It turned out to be, I've missed Arny's clear green eyes.

I browsed through Arny's files and I've found how he has high cheek bones like Cumberbatch has. Then I made his face as my wallpaper background. Those eyes, lonely that long for something. Sad lonely eyes yet he has the perfection in his life unless the area of relationship, just like Arny, and just like me. Not, to mention, they both born in the same year.

There's always a reason why I accidentally stick to certain movie. How I've seen the loneliness, the unwanted child, the miseries, and else. Who would think that those slanted eyes-guys who are really fond of me would finally came in the form of Dale's father that finally disgusted me. In the end is just a clue for me, of how I have to understand my life. I've never been good in socializing with people, I always have my own world, whether it's in the games or in movies and series. I always look for free entertainment to watch or play. I never get home to miss someone's arms... strong muscle white arms with blue veins underneath (ever, had enough like thousands times, missing but just a little bit), coz it's always easy for me to find some, with no strings attached. Like Bond always says:"Single! Sorry, you're not my type" (I believe there's no coincidence why Cumberbatch will play the next Bond). It's not that I like to mess with someone's but they keep calling me. Having Dalelucky is the sign that I have to stop to do further. Take it, but use the brain, always. I never regret that the last time I didn't use my brain, that gorgeous creature came out of my womb. Cute, handsome, gorgeous, and lovable. Just hope he has great life, perfect for his health, his body's function, his brain, and everything. I hope for Dalelucky all the best things in the world. There's always reason why he lives and tries so hard to live since he was as big as 0,69cm tall until now.

since I've finally known that I'm a low level functioning sociopath,  after I've watched how Cumberbatch always firms the term. Yeah, now I am, I never think of anyone's feelings. I have my own world. My own world of making the better place, for my own purpose of the peace in my heart. My own purpose of having many good deeds as my savings in the after life. My own world of creating the best places for the ones I love. Those credibility, integrity, affection for my students, in the end is just for my afterlife savings and money of course. I can take both without having to do much effort, not as hard as being an architect. Get back from the death-alcoholic, tumor surgery-cigarettes, c-section surgery-giving birth are the efforts of ending my life. No, I have to live now that then I have my reason to live... is just Dalelucky, then I can say... I am a Dale-functioning sociopath.

next --> Mom's Life Story for Her Idol

Thursday, April 24, 2014

5 minutes sleepiness

the sleep of emerging breed,
is a lifetime loneliness,
the sleep of morning greet,
is a tragic laziness,
the sleep of vanishing deed,
is to get rid of the tiredness
one may sleep 5 minutes,
to live some other hours...

8 am in sleepiness

Sleep my little baby-oh
Sleep until you waken
When you wake you'll see the world
If I'm not mistaken...

Kiss a lover
Dance a measure,
Find your name
And buried treasure...

Face your life
Its pain, 
Its pleasure,
Leave no path untaken.” 
― Neil GaimanThe Graveyard Book

April 23rd Entry #1 Writing Peer Teaching Writing Journals

Going back and forth (it has deepest meaning of reminding me about this morning silliness at my peer teaching session) looking at the bloom taxonomy while doing the lesson plan is surely can make me crazy. Well, at least it was what I thought when I first landed my hand on the lesson plans of the PET. But I’m like a diesel engine, slower at the start of the beginning phase, and going faster in the middle of it until the end. Just like math, physics, concept and drawing phases of my old days of being an architect, in the end I kind of like doing and drown in lesson plan, but still breathing though. Like a fast moving on person who accept good thing easily and adapting, I wish. So, yeah, am doing my lesson plan of peer teaching writing. Still.. by going back and forth at the bloom taxonomy, trying so hard to make the flow of the lesson smoothly, sequenced, graded, on the right track, not taking and then putting slightly different material into the flow of the lesson, like what Dania and Riyan did this morning. Really should keep that in mind. If it’s a story of the book, then we have to explain the target grammar using the story. And what about my chaotic peer teaching?! Let’s leave that one in the end. I don’t want to ruin my mood on the lesson plan now.   

April 24th Entry #2 Really Writing Peer Teaching Writing Journals
I made some huge mistakes in my peer teaching. Though I already played it around 4 times in my head, it was still a chaotic one. Constructing 165 minutes activities in only 30 minutes and I realized I can’t even look at my check list. So yeah, I missed the regular and irregular verbs after the students finished answering the V2 written in the email. Instead, I’m going to the negative forms which was actually should went after the regular and irregular verbs. The sequence should be types of verbs, examples and then the form of the structures. So yeah, like Ms. Syndi said, I was going back and forth. We had got only 11 minutes left when I realized that I still have to show them the how to do the mind map. Mr. Nofri couldn’t stand still that I knew exactly he wanted to explain about the regular and irregular verbs. So I gave him the part of explaining it, while I was looking at the time. Darn it, 10 more minutes while I hadn’t explained to them the mind map, and Ms.Syndi just raised her notification said,”10 MINUTES”. It’s like mind map, then check answers, then pictures to distributed, pictures explanation, then mind map practice, then answers checking, and then asking them to write email, wrap up, and then giving instruction for the assessment list to do. Nice I have only 1 minute for each step. But in the end we were able to finish it on time. The cookies and the challenge part were quite refreshing and made the class a little bit lively. But like déjà-vu, when I saw Muti and Dania raised their hands and legs when they wanted the cookies, they reminded me of someone. And yeah, I remembered Dale, he was only 2 weeks old, after I fed him a bottle of milk, he raised his hands and legs while shouting like a kid got panic attack. And yeah I panicked and right away lifted him that I was afraid something went wrong about him. Then he was smiling, and burping. Oh my God, my DELicious 2-weeks old baby boy had just bullied me. And this was his face like….  

He was saved from vomiting. This face was also something that I remembered after I finished my part on peer teaching. I do really know how to connect things to my baby boy, don’t I?! 
The procedure of the challenging part is quite something that I made up. I was aware that we had only 30 minutes to teach on writing. Writing is like twice longer to teach rather than reading. Reading is receptive skill, so when the student can get the comprehension by summing up the reading material, then the TO is achieved. But in writing which is productive skill, we have to teach the grammar and how to construct the reading material and then make the students create their own product of writing. This should be achieved in 30 minutes?! That’s why I came up with the challenging idea to stop the writing activity and asked them to read instead without having to say,” Consider done”. I hate those two magical words which over and over the trainer warned us not to say it. I can’t remember how many times I told Mr. Nofri to stop saying that since Ms. Mitta told us only the trainers have the privilege to say those magical words, and we are only trainees. I made the game of stopping their activity and especially because it was peer teaching that all of them are already great teachers (a very valuable opportunity to get to learn from those wonderful creatures), without having to say,” Consider done”. It felt like a criminal got caught after the guard said, “Don’t run away!” ran away, and then got caught. 
It’s like the “while” activity in writing after I gave them the instruction on pre writing, they were writing and see if one student already finished one sentence, asked one if he/she was brave enough to read her/his writing in front of the class he/she will get one cookie. I asked Mr. Riyan, our perfect Englishman, but he was chickening, so I asked Intan who always wants to take any challenge without thinking the consequence, and she said yes. I only need another one student to be able to challenge her and Muti did in correct way reading the whole email. She got 2 cookies and Intan got one cookie because of her bravery of being the first. The one who did the effort, Muti was happy with 2 cookies, and Intan as the first who brave enough was also happy got a cookie without have to say anything. The purpose is to give other students’ comprehension about the right answers. If those two couldn’t say the correct answers, they still got 1 cookie each for the bravery. The purpose is to inspire other students to not being afraid of making mistakes. That learning process can be achieved from making mistakes and knowing the true answers. Good man learns from mistakes, and wise man learns from other’s mistakes. I think it’s a good type of scoring that I can apply in class after one student finished his/her writing and ask the others to finish their writings as well to be hung on the wall with the purpose of having all students finished their writings. Using the material from the book for teaching grammar in story checked, sequencing verbs-examples-form of structure checked, deciding focus on grammar or model writing checked, sequencing mind map to model writing instead of the other way around which completely wrong and silly checked. Okay, I’m good to move on to my lesson plan now.


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

journal on grammar class

April 6 Entry #2 Writing the Grammar Journals

Grammar is always an issue for students from what I have got in my experiences. Maybe that is why my boss insisted me to create classroom programs based on the grammar fast track book. I think it is to make it easy for the students to study grammar. Well, it is not just my students, but I think my boss himself seems hating grammar very much, or otherwise, he will not let me lead the English department because he thinks that he is already fed up by it. I have certain ways on convincing the students that grammar is actually easy and fun such as simplifying the comprehension of the tenses. Instead of giving them the 16 tenses, I told them to memorize only 6 in order to be able to construct the whole 16 tenses. Maybe it is because I have dealt with many students that whining the teachers in their school often make the grammar complicated. Well, then again since I am in the informal homeschooling and courses that I have the duty to make the lesson simple instead of make it complicated like formal school teachers do, it is actually what I do, to simplify the lesson. I believe this method is taught at the TEFL-A LIFT-pronunciation class before. Owh good, I just review the previous lesson.
Since grammar is an issue for students, I have learnt that there are certain points to remember to make it easier to teach grammar for the students. The first is that since English is cool for the students, it is always a good idea to put the comprehension in their brain that to be able to speak English well which is cool, we need to learn English Grammar and we have to master it in order to look more sophisticated. And yeah, it is a good and an easy point to teach. I also found that by learning and mastering grammar, we will be able to identify different kinds of words although they might give the same meanings. As an example, the word, “Succeed”, acts as verb in the sentence: If you want to succeed, you have to work hard. It has different kind of word as adjective for “Successful” in “If you want to be successful, you have to work hard”. We also need to put other form of word like “Successfully” in “If you want to pass the test successfully, then you have to work hard”. The same meaning of word can also be applied as noun in “Success is 99 percent of hard work and 1 percent of luck”. I got the idea that we need to be able to identify and understand the concept of words function in order to make such 4 different sentences with the same meaning using different kinds of words. I think this is a good one to make the students realize that they need to master the grammar in English in order to create these “cool” English sentences.
By being in the TEFL-A grammar class, I have realized that we can create a quite long sentence with one period that can be up to 4 lines of writings, still in a grammatically correct ways. So yeah, attending the class, gave me many insights about how to construct sentences in correct ways. I also learnt many kinds of activities in the grammar class that I am sure that I can apply them in my class. Not to mention, I have learnt many fun ways to deliver the grammar in the class. It is always fun for students to play English lessons in puzzles or when they need to move, to get up, or sit at other places rather than their own chairs. Students will love to move because kinesthetic action always works for children up to adult, also adding the competition aspect as in group work will make the lesson even more interesting.
I also found from the class that there are certain uncountable nouns which actually countable, and vice versa. I have learnt that we need to put ourselves in the English culture logic in order to be able to identify the noun in correct ways. It is more like accepting the whole comprehension without questioning it. After all, English is a language derived from a culture that we just need to accept it as it is in order to be fluent to speak of it. Again, without questioning it and put aside our logic, Indonesian logic in the language, otherwise, we will not be able to speak English fluently.

Woops, 766 words already, I think that is it for now because I have mentioned my evidence of learning, insights, summary and opinion on how and what to apply on my class. There are 2 PDFs on grammar that I have got from the, but I think I will keep those notes to myself. 

journal on pronunciation class

April 6 Entry #1 Writing the Late Journals

I was told to write journals in order to pass the TEFL-A. I had not yet started until today. It took me a while to figure out how to write a good journal. Yes I wrote diary and articles like 7500 words a day to make money, but now everything changes since I have Dale, my almost 3 months old baby boy. Every day I think only him, from the moment I get up to the time I go to bed. So I browsed a while to see how good journal can be written. It is said, “Put all of your thoughts”, well that is quite difficult.  “Do not mind about the grammar, punctuation, and else”, well this is going to be easier and I started to like it. But then again I have to start to write what I have got from the 2 days training about Grammar and pronunciation in LIFT. I have to put certain ideas such as evidence of learning, my insight, the summary, my opinion, what and how I will apply the knowledge to my class.
Gladly, to be in the class is actually very valuable for me. Back in the office, I cannot learn more, that I already the manager of the English Department, though my background is architecture. Most of the English teachers in my office are still in the college and I am the one who has to train them on how to teach and to give them enrichment in English materials to teach. So I think that I cannot develop my department and myself if I stay at the office. Since I am accepted in LIA, it is absolutely a good opportunity to improve myself, especially to recover from the surgery. It is not easy to be someone that judged as the one with low ability in linguist by the psychologist and psychiatrist. The stubborn I did not want to stop at that kind of judgment that I pushed myself to master the area by teaching English, and especially that I have the experiences to teach since 2007. I knew I would succeed because I love English. Once we love something it will be easy for us to overcome any kind of problems. I did by successfully make my physics teacher academy students passed the English class by being able to present the Physics subjects in English. All I did was just applying the method that my LBPP LIA OYEP lecture told me to do by making 30 sentences a day. Well it was actually only applied for me that I made my students construct minimum 30 sentences a week. In each of the classes I analyzed their sentences and corrected their mistakes as a way to give them deeper comprehension in English. It was only 28 hours of meeting in 6 months and when they succeed, I feel like I am able to deal with my psychiatrist’s judgment on my low ability in linguist. Above all, I need to be part of this English teacher successful team in LIA. So, yeah, to be in TEFL-A is definitely exciting.
In LIFT- pronunciation class by Mr. Idwan Deshira, I have learnt that pronunciation is very important, and I agree with this statement because an English teacher is the environment for the students and also a role model so that an English teacher should be careful in times of pronunciation. By attending the LIFT class, I feel like I can improve my pronunciation, changing my habit to pronounce in certain words that I thought I was right to pronounce them. This is definitely important to apply to my class. There were also some videos by Dave Sconda on how we can pronounce words in correct ways. I consider myself as natural English speaker that I did not need to attend the English vocal class to make me pronounce English in a right way (this was certain because my English native speaker himself and herself told me that I have perfect pronunciation), but by being in the class I feel like I got so much on how to teach my students to pronounce words. Exaggeration is important when it comes to pronunciation. I am not that exaggeration kind of person, well at least it cannot be seen from my appearance but others can see from my writings (jahahaha), or maybe because I am intoxicated by Intan, the college student teacher who is quite talkative sits beside me. I always consider myself as a silent person, so I am fit with those who are talkative. I always think that smart people are those who are good in their area, but like my mother always says, even smarter people are those who can teach what they have got. That is why I think being a teacher is a good one. I am not smart but I like to make people smarter. Does it not make me even smarter?! Hahah!
Well then I have mentioned my evidence of learning on what I have got from the class, I have written my insight about the pronunciation, that also includes the summary and my opinion, also I have written how and what I will apply in my class. I think that is all for now. It is not that hard to write 888 words. I wonder why the others feel disturbed. Well, maybe they just not that into writings. I can write about the subjects but I think I do not need to since this will take to 1000 words. I will keep the notes on the subjects to myself. Next is another 750 words for grammar journal and ICT tasks. Am I on fire?! No, I am on my bed… not sleeping, but typing. Hahah!


Sunday, April 6, 2014

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how to write a good journal

April 6 Entry #1 Writing the Late Journals

I was told to write journals in order to pass the TEFL-A. I had not yet started until today. It took me a while to figure out how to write a good journal. Yes I wrote diary and articles like 7500 words a day to make money, but now everything changes since I have Dale, my almost 3 months old baby boy. Every day I think only him, from the moment I get up to the time I go to bed. So I browsed a while to see how good journal can be written. It is said, “Put all of your tho....

...students to pronounce words. Exaggeration is important when it comes to pronunciation. I am not that exaggeration kind of person, well at least it cannot be seen from my appearance but others can see from my writings (jahahaha), or maybe because I am intoxicated by Intan, the college students teacher who is quite talkative. I always consider myself as a silent person, so I am fit with those who are talkative. I always think that smart people are those who are good in their area, but like my mother always says, even smarter people are those who can teach what they have got. That is why I think being a teacher is a good one. I am not smart but I like to make people smarter. Is it not makes me even smarter?! Hahah!
Well then I have mentioned my evidence of learning on what I have got from the class, I have written my insight about the pronunciation, that also includes the summary and my opinion, also I have written how and what I will apply in my class. I think that is all for now. It is not that hard to write 888 words. I wonder why the others feel disturbed. Well, maybe they just not that into ....

above is just some parts of journal writings. I'll tell you the tips that I've got from certain sources on how to write a good journal

I can't say that I can write good journal, well.. I just try.. but I got some points from the sources that I got from the internet later on you'll find the links below my writings. the first is that you will need to mention quite deep comprehension and that you will need to describe it clearly.

Secondly, try to put on themes related with the issue you've been working on with. Thirdly, give concrete examples and general principles. Don't forget to put fresh insights, personal discoveries, and any other deep thoughts related with the subjects.

You will also need to put the value of your observation for your personal development and for the implication you will do in your life as example in grammar and pronunciation class you will need to include the evidence of learning, insights, summary, opinion, what and how you will apply the knowledge that you have got in the class to your own student class.
The writing style is better be engaging, lively, and personal. This can be a proof that you're really experiencing the issue instead of just writing others' thoughts.

Here are some sources regarding with writing journals